@Scimommy: Who needs to watch the #SOTU when I can just read my TL? Here's what I've learned so far: John Boehner is still orange.
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@dshack8: My wife is so married that she even stopped blowing out the candles on her birthday cake cause she doesn't want me gettin' any ideas.
@Gooooats: Avenge me! But only through passive aggressively commenting loudly around my murderer how great it would be to still have me alive.
@Pro_Jones_: Boss: I've been told one of you is just a robot car in disguise *everyone stares at me, even Optimus who is drinking oil instead of coffee*
@Brampersandon_: [bald eagles exchanging gifts] *holds out gift* You didn't get me a toupee again, did you? -Uhh... *slowly pulls gift back*