@Scimommy: Who needs to watch the #SOTU when I can just read my TL? Here's what I've learned so far: John Boehner is still orange.
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@RexHuppke: "Let's take a couple dozen over-stimulated children and give them enough sugar to kill an elephant." - inventor of the birthday party
@megankcomedy: I like to eat spaghetti with my hands so people don't even have to ask how I'm doing
@jergarl: Pay attention to your kids... Because one day he will stuff a sugar free gummy bear in your mouth that he rubbed on a cat.
@EricaTheThor: Apparently a new study shows that unattractive men make better mates. Nice try, ugly scientists.