@Scimommy: Who needs to watch the #SOTU when I can just read my TL? Here's what I've learned so far: John Boehner is still orange.
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@WilliamRodgers: What I really love about Air Fresheners is how it makes your bathroom smell like someone just shit in your rose garden...
@Dirty_Naomi: Teaching your dog to fetch a beer is smart. Fetching it from the neighbours house is genius.
@TragicAllyHere: *wear too little makeup* People: you look tired *wear too much makeup* People: why are you trying so hard *start a fire* People: calm down