Who needs to watch the #SOTU when I can just read my TL? Here’s what I’ve learned so far: John Boehner is still orange.
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If anyone’s looking to join a pyramid scheme, hit me up and I’ll connect you with all the girls I went to high school with via facebook.
SORRY I REPLACED EVERYTHING IN YOUR FIRST AID KIT WITH BAGS OF BEEF JERKY YOU MIGHT BE MAD NOW BUT YOU’LL THANK ME LATER
My inner monologue 90% of the time: “I don’t get it.”
I’m sorry, we can’t hire you. But your background check was hilarious.
Me (on a plane): oh dang my friends are going to flip when I send a pic of this airplane wing and the clouds
No matter how hard I try, I just never seem to run out of bad ideas.
Every animal: how will we see things that are behind us?
God: just turn around
Almost every animal: ok
Owl: I absolutely will not
*Takes out phone & plays Cindi Lauper’s True Colors as you reach for the last slice of pizza without asking*
“the names bond, james bond”
[5 min later]
STARBUCKS BARISTA: i gota frappe for borbjorbple
I fully support any type of marriage that doesn’t involve me.
WAITER: u can choose between 6 chocolate desserts and carrot cake
ME: the 6 chocolate desserts please
When I was younger, I always wanted to become a Gregorian monk.
Unfortunately, I never had the chants
The worst thing a woman can ask a man is “Guess what today is.”
alien graffiti can be pretty hurtful 😔
Using soap as a garnish because the store was all out of cilantro.
[zombie apocalypse]
SURVIVOR: That Chuck E. Cheese looks safe let’s take shelter in it
ME: *banned from all Chuck E. Cheese’s for tongue kissing the animatronic rat* You guys go ahead
One time I bought these shoes from a drug dealer, and I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day
You can’t name your dog Jeff, that’s illegal
I hate people who say ‘age is just a number’… Age is clearly a word.
Marriage Tip: If your husband is watching golf, show him you’re interested by repeatedly asking “why doesn’t our lawn ever look that nice?”
Give a man a plane ticket and he’ll fly for a day.
Push a man out of a plane and he’ll fly for the rest of his life.
Me: Do not ‘K’ me again.
Daughter: Que
Me: In any language.
Her: SiThis is why I’m crazy.
Dr: Are you sexually active?
Me: *cries*
Dr: Um, are you sexually-
Me: *cries harder*
Dr: …..Ok. Do you drink?
Me: YES I BLOODY DRINK
No thanks iPhone quick reply… I wasn’t going to reply to that text for days.
The rest of the world: It’s so hot I cooked an egg on the sidewalk!
Canadians: It’s so hot I had to put the margarine in the fridge!
Home Alone 2? Shame on you. Home Alone 3? Shame on me.
Me: I weigh 10x more than the cat and yet she trusts me completely. So sweet.
You:
Me:
You: It’s a lot more than 10x.
Me: Don’t ruin this.
No you cannot have candy until you finish your spoonful of Nutella is apparently something I say now
Falling asleep at work didn’t get me in trouble. Falling asleep at work and snoring got me in trouble.
Parents, raise your kids well, or they grow up to be like your coworkers.