Who needs to watch the #SOTU when I can just read my TL? Here’s what I’ve learned so far: John Boehner is still orange.
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[Walking my chihuahua]
Dude: “Is it OK if I pet you dog?”
Me: “Sure. Go ahead”
*Dude pets dog; dog bites off 3 fingers
Dude: “Aaargh. WTF, man!”
Me: “Yeah. I wish he’d stop doing that.”
i don’t want to rock and roll all night. i want to sleep all night without having to get up and pee 39 times
INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in five years?
ME: Probably my communication skills.
“We had unprotected sex. Give us a present.” — the subtext of every baby shower
COMPUTER: Enter password
ME: [types ’14days’]
COMPUTER: Your password is two week
ME: Uh?
COMPUTER: Computer do joke. Computer funny.
If true crime podcasts have taught me anything, it’s that serial killers are often described as: charismatic, grandiose, mobile, antisocial and sometimes can be known to live off the grid….
Yeah, I’m looking at you, Santa.
If you hold your ear up to the seashell at my house, you can hear my wife yelling at me for peeing in the ocean.
Characters in werewolf movies always develop heightened senses and sex drives and cravings for raw meat and never develop the urge to spend all day playing with squeaky chew toys.
My card chip wasn’t reading properly at the gas station so the guy told me to let him “try and slide it in” and all I could do was laugh like I was 12
Gate agent: we’re going to have to check your carry-on bag
Me: why, are there no overhead spaces left on the plane?
Gate agent: no, there are. we just don’t like you.
Shout out to the little teapot song for making it okay to be short & stout.
*shrugs off responsibility*
weigh me now
Spice up your marriage by slamming doors sometimes when you’re not even angry.
bigfoot
the abominable snowman
chupacabras
the loch ness monster
a unicorn
mermaids
restful sleep
dragons
a super walmart
werewolves
happiness
cyclops
a 2,000 calorie diet
santa claus
TAPE RECORDER: Your mission, should you choose to accept it
ME: *in my jammies* Mm, no.
waiter my bone broth tastes like a boiled bone
Yesterday I was very irritated so I read some Shakespeare and today I am sorely vexed.
Satan: welcome to hell, the WiFi password is-
Me: wait you have WiFi?
Satan: of course.
Me: well that’s not so bad.
Satan: as I was saying the WiFi password is Pi.
My biological clock is wheezing.
[Tinder]
Dora: Swiper no swiping!
Swiper: Oh mannn…
I went upstairs to grab my charger I brushed my hair, picked up some dirty clothes, changed my sons diaper, put on deodorant, came back downstairs, vacuumed the entire first floor & picked up some toys. I just sat down to plug in my phone & realized I never grabbed the charger.
I would not advise turning your frown upside down. The surgery is extremely painful and not covered by most insurance.
No Fitbit, I didn’t walk 18,937 steps today, I had a Sign Language final.
Rigged my kids’ Magic 8 Ball to say these choices:
-No
-No way
-Still no
-Yes! JK absolutely not
-Go ask your father
You’d think since I
– ordered the pizza
– went to get it
– waited for it
– brought it home
– let my kids split the last piece
– let my kids have all the dessertThey would throw the box away while I walked the dog.
You’d think wrong.
Them: Sex without marriage is a sin.
Me: Well, technically, I am married, just not to him.
I know a horrible idea when I see it.
“I can hear my annoying neighbor crying to Adele’s new song as she throws away her empty, clinking beer bottles.”
– my neighbor