Do you have any candy? NEXT!
Do you have any candy? NEXT!
Do you have any candy? NEXT!~Me. Speed dating.
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If you hold a croissant to your ear like a phone it connects you to the president of France.
Me: *sipping* well ain’t you a tall glass of vodka
Her: *blushing* aww thank you but the expression is “tall glass of water”
Me: oh hey, didn’t see you there
My kid’s teacher asked me to text her if we were going to be late and I was like it’ll be a lot easier if we text you when we’re going to be on time
I call bullshit!
Chickens don’t even have fingers.
A neighbour is blowing bubbles from their garden. Great, whimsical little flying blisters of plague.
anyone know what happened at the 2nd noel?
Priest: and do you, Lil’ Jon, take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?
Lil’ Jon: WHAT
Priest: you say “I do”
Lil’ Jon: OKAY
Priest: I do
Lil’ Jon: OKAY
Priest: I DO
Lil’ Jon: YEAH!
Why does my mustard bottle insist on peeing in my sandwich before dispensing my mustard?
Me: Empty the dishwasher, please.
10 y/o: Can’t…need to work on my business idea.
Me: What’s your business idea?
10y/o: I’m gonna charge anyone who pets our dog.
Me:
10y/o:
Me: Do you need a partner, and how much we chargin?
“For a really awkward time, call me.”
-me, leaving my number on bathroom stalls.
Every surgery is exploratory if you have no idea what you’re doing
[getting pulled over]
Me: R u a bear cop?
Bear cop: Is that a problem?
Me: As long as you’re not a maul cop
*mauls me for bad pun*
Technology is moving so fast. My toaster just sprinted across the kitchen.
I asked my boyfriend what he wanted for his birthday and he said 20 dollars
“I can’t do any of this? This is some bullshit.”
You’re not an Asshole. That’s too much credit for you. You’re an Asshalf.
Me: Well, well, well. Look who’s come crawling back
Baby: [pretends like she doesn’t hear my extremely witty comment]
ALEX TREBEK: this accidental discovery in 1928 opened the door to modern antibiotics
ME: *spraying a mouthful of popcorn* WHAT IS A DOORKNOB
If I see under 30s getting married, I want to kiss them for their optimism and punch them for their stupidity.
Why is it so dry under the lawn chairs? Cause the lawn canopy
Sorry, “hella” was an inappropriate word choice. I was trying to be cool. I’ll rephrase: Your son is totally missing.
i never understood why we had to blow on the nintendo cartridge before eating it
“Try to be more socially interactive”, they said
“Engage with the wider community”, they said
“You have the right to remain silent”, they said
humans: wat did we ever do to deserve dogs
dogs: wat horible sins were done to our ancestors for us to be subservient to the humabns
Me: do you love natural peanut butter, but hate stirring it?
Construction Boss: I’m not questioning the concept, it’s just not your cement mixer
Just weighed myself. I’d strongly advise against y’all doing that.
To little kid eyeing my McDonalds: thats right i can eat this any time i want… Dont ask about any of the other parts of my life please.
My One A Day multivitamins actually have directions on the bottle – “Take one multivitamin daily.” Hmmm
I think it’s finally time for me to get those ice cubes I’ve been saving under the refrigerator.