Who says great literature is dead?
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Make sure your blind date from the internet has a big car. Nothing worse than a trunk with no leg room.
I wish No More Tangles shampoo would work on Christmas lights.
My daughter asked me to play Highway to Hell by AC/DC because I was driving them to school. Parenting win I guess.
Could you play us a song?
Cat Stevens: Maybe.
*Sets guitar on table*
Cat Stevens: *Maintains eye contact-slowly pushes guitar off table*
this morning at 7-eleven i saw a lizard next to the coffee maker and the cashier said “no worries that’s just marvin, he likes the smell”
Starting to think I’m single because of everyone else’s shortcomings.
Worlds greatest photobomb
“..all the king’s horses & all the king’s men couldn’t get Humpty together again”
*raises hand*
What guy thought horses might figure it out?
[mall food court]
Me: *stomach rumbling* OMG not now
Brain: Too bad you hate using public washrooms
My White Undies: Sweet baby jesus no
That touchdown dance is exactly the same as mine when I wake up in a guy’s apartment and his furnished apartment has a nice view.
Whenever I see a new couple on a date I walk up to their table, hold up my phone and tell the guy “You’re Wife Sarah says hello”.
If you feel like you’re about to punch someone, take a deep breath. Then exhale as you punch to get more power.
Son:Dad’s trick or treating as a ghost in a bed sheet?
Wife:& heels,eye patch & his hand stuck in a Nutella jar. More like a ghost on ambien
Me: Netflix and chill?
Her: sure
Me: bring a pizza and an internet connection and a Netflix password
Her:
Me: and don’t forget the condoms!
Impress your date. Be wild. Flip the table. Flip it 360 so its upright again & nothing has moved except a roll that has flown into her mouth
[séance]
“Everyone hold hands and close your eyes.”
[knocking sound]
“Speak, spirit, speak!”
“Hi. It’s the pizza guy. You ordered a medium.”
My neighbours claim to be huge Disney fans but called the cops when I mowed the lawn Winnie the Pooh style
Neutrons are the Switzerland of subatomic particles.
[showing date how to eat a lobster] pull the meat from the claw. good. now get your ketchup ready
Me [a security guard]: they now control the north lawn and are moving into the parking lot
Supervisor: be that as it may, i will not agree to let you “taser a goose”
Wife: Can you go pick up a chair I bought on a Facebook group?
Me: What if the seller is a murderer?
Wife: Why do you think I’m sending you?
“Whatever! You’re naked ALL the time!”
-Me, to my staring cats every time I get out of the shower.
What the world needs now is love, sweet love…
And an extinction level asteroid.
Not to brag, but I have one of those metabolisms that I can eat anything I want and still get fat
Protip: If a party guest says “I don’t dance” what he’s really telling you is “make my drinks stronger please”.
He’s all “I’m totally a normal guy”
But then “I eat raw radishes all the time”
Make up your mind dude.
invention of lasagna: what if pasta was a book
My doctor’s office scheduled my appointment 6 months from now and asked me if that’s good.
I don’t know what I’m doing 2 hours from now, but sure.
Marriage Tip: If your wife goes silent in the middle of an argument, you probably shouldn’t ask if you can go back to mowing lawn.
Bacon causes cancer.
Canadian bacon apologizes.