Who says Republicans aren’t into recycling?
Mitt Romney’s thinking of running for President, again.
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I put my earbuds on just like everybody else. Frantically as someone approaches.
Me, on phone: I’m too scared of sharks to go to the beach
Friend: But sharks kill less people per year than- *thud*
Me: … Than what?
Friend:
Me: Hello?
Voice on other end: Moo.
M: I’m so glad school started!
12: Can you help me with my math?
M: OMG WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME?!
I know restaurants have to make a living but a pet hate is “extra toppings: £2.30!” and then it’s clearly one anchovy or half an olive spread around the pizza
You know you got a bad haircut when she insists on giving you a $10 discount.
Me: can I ask a rhetorical question?
Her: sure
Me: well apparently not
(Couples therapy)
-Listen to me, buying matching bagels isn’t going to help
My spouse is “attending” a virtual conference for the next few days. To help simulate the real thing, I’ll set out a picked-over tray of mini-muffins, soggy cut fruit, and some weak coffee, and then whisk them away just as he approaches the table.
At my funeral I won’t need a coffin. I will be cremated from the neck down and my head will be on a stick. If you want to say anything about me you have to hold my head stick
HER: You ran over my cat
ME: I’m so sorry
HER: You’re gonna have to replace him
ME [imagines myself napping all day and pushing things off shelves] ok
*dog runs for president*
*dog sits for president*
*dog rolls over fo
Trying to figure out if you practice the violin for many hours every day, or if you just have a really bad hickey.
If you lie down on the floor in McDonald’s you get to meet the manager
“I’m an actress”
I watched your web series, and I disagree.
Why does every dog run the moment you ask “what’s in your mouth”
i have no idea what’s going on but i want to be involved.
-kids
WHY IS THAT COTTON CANDY TALKING?!
“Grandma, that’s Niki Minaj.”
Worst part of a corporate job is no tips. Someone should slip you a $20 if you write a killer email
I hate how every single day my ex wife just keeps waking up!
due to personal reasons i have decided to make even less sense to people who will never get me
Witches these days have it so easy. Do you know how hard it used to be to find so many newts? Now you get them with free 2 day shipping.
WIFE: I wish you would drop this stupid genie act
HUSBAND: honey I already told you, you’re out of wishes
boss: i’m always so impressed by you.
me: awww, wow thanks. why?
boss: bc you show up & do your work.
me: well, that’s a low bar.. but thank you.
My 3 moods:
1. I’m too tired for this shit
2. I’m too old for this shit
3. I’m too sober for this shit
You say no portion control, I say treating every meal like it’s your last
A city girl was bequeathed an inn, but it’s all run down and doesn’t have any water and the only person in town for the holidays is the ruggedly handsome guy who just lost his wife
I have the impulse control of a random number generator.
ME: you said I could have anything I wanted for my last meal
WARDEN [bottom lip trembling]: but my wife made these sandwiches for me
Me: *standing on the subway platform*
Subway employee: “Sir, your feet are in the salami.”