My daughter has recently become deathly afraid of our cat. So I’m going to have to get rid of her. At least I’ll have my cat to comfort me.
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When someone tries to shush me by handing me a donut, I feel so conflicted.
Don’t forget to wash your hands and then go back to using the phone you haven’t cleaned since you got it
If you do the Macarena while you cold call people to ask about their political opinions that makes you a poll dancer.
One of my children is crying because we don’t have a third floor in our house.
We also don’t have a second floor.
I’m a 67-year-old obese male with moderate COPD and I’m pretty sure the coronaviruses are passing around pictures of me.
Guys! Everybody needs to stop Kung Fu fighting. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.
*wipes off Chapstick
Weigh me now
Finally finished Oppenheimer. He liked zoning out, staring open-mouthed while thinking about floating dots. We all do, but I guess it’s what you do with it
GOOD COP: We can do the easy way…
BAD COP: Or the hard way.
UNDERCOVER COP: [muffled] Guys, get under the covers with me! It’s so cozy and I have a flashlight and comic books under here!
I NEVER WORE EARPLUGS TO CONCERTS WHEN I WAS IN HIGH SCHOOL AND I TURNED OUT FINE!
[stop light]
It will turn green in
5
4
3
2
1..
And
Now
It
Will
Turn
Greeeeeeeen
*turns green*
Ah yes nailed it.
Groom: I do.
Priest: And..
Me: can you give me a minute? [pulls best friend aside] ok what should I say because I don’t wanna look as though I like him too much and seem needy will I just say lol or make a joke.
*decides to workout*
*lays on ground to do sit-up*
*find skittle on ground*
*eats it*
*takes nap*
During the bank robbery, I was the one who heroically soiled himself & cried in order to incapacitate the robbers with laughter
If I was Taylor Swift I would only date men whose job has a lot of terms that are easy to rhyme with.
How are you gonna be in the throes of heartbreak and have to write a song rhyming with “line of scrimmage”?
Since I moved into my house, my parents do this thing where they come over so my dad can work on a project but he always forgets a tool he needs so they just drink my beer instead.
PSA: Always be yourself
Identity theft carries a sentence of up to 15 years prison time
(Outside at dusk)
Wife: Lovely evening.
Me (Covered in mosquitos): Glorious.
I like that in The Little Mermaid, Ariel & King Triton wouldn’t violate a contractual obligation, but they murdered Ursula with a ship.
COP: Is this man bothering you ma’am?
ME: She’s my wife
MY WIFE: [mouthing and nodding yes behind me]
the most powerful ad for religion i’ve ever seen
INTERVIEWER: Says here you have sloth-like reflexes?
ME: *calls interviewer 3 years later* That is correct.
I’m not saying Goldilocks was a piece of shit, but she broke into someone’s house and just started eating their breakfast.
I’m sorry your tc cheated on you with their spouse, will you please stop writing poems now
20’s: I can’t remember where I left my keys
30’s: I can’t remember where I left my car
40’s: I can’t remember where I left my kids
Protip: If you refer to yourself as “someone” when explaining something bad that happened, your wife will always know that “someone” is you.
@ candidates for local office
[At the Dr]
Me: but the voices won’t stop.
Dr: those are people, they’re allowed to talk.
We had a detangler brush when I was younger, it was called scissors.