Who the friggin hell buys a cat? There are cats everywhere. You just let one into your home and it becomes your cat.
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While in restaurants as a kid, my parents would pay by credit card in a machine that looked like it could take your finger off
Do people who pay $20 for corn mazes know that you can go get lost in Ikea for only the price of three days of meatballs?
How to make a Disney Pixar film:
1. Take something that doesn’t talk
2. Make it talk
You can describe my personality as being confidently wrong all the time.
I ate a banana so big that my Facebook relationship status automatically changed from “Married” to “It’s Complicated.”
Sorry I’m late, I’ve been taking an elastic band out of my hair for the last three days.
English is kinda weird but I’m so glad it isn’t a gendered language. It is none of my business what gender bread identifies as.
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor on this flight?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a YouTuber to help, are they?
Me: Dad, there’s a medical emergency happening right now
Dad: Go and see if “what up guys” helps
So funny how “go to sleep” and “do parkour” sound exactly the same to kids.
Me: I wonder why I don’t have any friends and can’t seem to find anyone to date.
Also me:
[visiting Hell as a tourist]
Satan: good morning, how do you want your eggs
Me: how bout *finger guns* deviled
Satan: congratulations you get to stay here
[In car, headed to store]
7: What’s wrong, Mommy?
Me: *scratching* When I got my hair cut earlier, some little pieces fell down my back, in my shirt, and they’re itching me now.
[20 minutes later, in crowded Target]
Me: *scratches*
7: MOMMY, IS YOUR BACK HAIR ITCHING AGAIN?
Oscillating fans are for people that want to be cool every 5-7 seconds.
Waiter: And what would you like sir?
Me: I’d like the entire restaurant to stop gasping every time I say something.
Entire restaurant: *gasps*
Her: You look great without glasses
Me: I don’t wear glasses
Her: *putting them back on* I do
Priest: “We are gathered here today to mourn the passing of-
*looks at the casket suspiciously*
Erwin Schrödinger.”
Dinosaurs: hey Noah open up its starting to rain out here haha
Noah: [door lock noise]
Mom, can teenagers drink coffee?
-my 5yo, planning ahead
I wonder if black ants and red ants have beef. I never see them chilling together. Ever.
If you were a tree you’d be a bonsai, and if you were mine you’d be dead by now.
wife *comes downstairs* How long has my mom been here?
me: About an hour
wife:
me:
wife *lets her in*
I may make a lot of typos when I text, but in my defense, I do have to look at the road sometimes.
(My romance novel)
“You have a pretty face,” he said.
“Thank you,” she said, lifting up her bangs. “I’ve got even more face under here.”
I’ll love you until the end of the egg timer.
People think dads are dumb for getting to the airport 5 hours early but it’s only because we saved up several thousand dollars for a couple of beers before the flight. Who’s the dumb one now?
Just overheard someone say, “I wish I had a Kindle that never ran out of batteries.”
You know. Like a book.
One day you’re young and the next you’re standing at the kitchen window staring menacingly at your neighbors.
A mattress will double in weight after six years, just like everything else I sleep with!
No one has ever had more confidence in me than the waiter who just gave me one napkin with my lunch
Only 10 more days til Halloween!