Who the friggin hell buys a cat? There are cats everywhere. You just let one into your home and it becomes your cat.
You Might Also Like
Trumpy Cat
The chances of you being killed by a chinchilla are low, but never zero
Doc: So, how did you injure your rotator cuff?
Me, remembering reaching for the wet wipes on the back of the toilet:
TENNIS
I like my whiskey like my marriage….
On the rocks.
If you get robot arms don’t get the cheap ones [starts clapping for no reason]
An older woman in front of me demanded her drink get remade because her barista was Asian.
When I tried to inform her how irrational that request was, she turned and sneered, “are YOU Chinese?”
I replied, “no, but your ugly-ass knockoff purse is.”
Shut your racist asses up.
“I was bored” -Me explaining most of the things I do.
[prison riot]
*standing over my origami ducks* “GO AROUND! GO AROUND!”
facebook: do u wanna look at some memories 🙂
me: nah it’s ok—
facebook: on this day last year you took a cute photo with ur bf who cheated on you and left you for ur friend 🙂
me: [tearing up] th-thanks
My 3-year-old said she wants her first car to be a garbage truck. She’ll forget about it, but I’m still getting her one when she turns 16.
My kids can be so quiet, comatose almost. Until I am on a phone call.
What idiot named it “proposing marriage” and not “engaging the enemy”?
If I come home from work and my wife is gone, I always think the worst has happened. I forgot something she said we were doing that night.
Recipe for homemade charcoal:
1. Put dinner in the oven.
2. Sit down to check one quick thing on the internet…
I’m having an out of money experience.
The only person who listens to me in my house is my dog, and even he pees on the floor sometimes.
asian women will be in palo alto pushing a $5000 stroller holding a birkin wearing 2-3 cartier bracelets having a 5 carat diamond ring wearing chanel sunglasses and some blonde woman wearing yoga pants at the grocery store will be like are you the nanny
My toddler was crying because she couldn’t be in the same room as my husband when he was in a work meeting. In an effort to console her, my 10-year-old told her one day she’ll also get to do work meetings. This, rightfully so, made her cry harder.
I hate when I grab a live wire and everyone sees my damn skeleton
happy birthday to me. i am 25.
God: Any other requests?
Angel: Ooh! Do a cow in sunglasses, holding a cigarette!
God: No problem.
There’s so much going on 😂😂😂
Why is it someone is always refinancing their mortgage in the self checkout in front of me?
for some *ridiculous* reason the french love to translate movie titles from english to… english
here’s a thread with my all-time favorites, starting with “the hangover”
…i mean VERY BAD TRIP
Thought somebody was touching my neck so I turned around and did a karate chop stance, turns out it was just my feather earring.
I needed a laugh this morning.
When someone rings the doorbell I say to my kids, “I think it’s Santa Claus!” so I don’t have to get up.
If you come home n your dog gives you a lecture about smoking pot, you probably should lay off the acid too.
Me: Congratulations on becoming a master criminal.
Cousin: I earned a master’s degree in criminology.
Me: So do you get a bigger share of the loot from heists now or what?