Mike said he’s breaking up w/ u cause you’re not very smart & u have issues
Me: OMG I DO NOT HAVE HIS SHOES WE DONT EVEN WEAR THE SAME SIZE
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Me: I’ve lost the dictionary
Her: Can you look upstairs?
Me: I can’t look up anything
When you’re stupid, you trust your child with an alarm clock
SCIENTIST: it’s our thinnest toilet paper yet, sir. less than a picometer
CEO: *rips it by breathing on it* put it in every public restroom
The neighbor is having an open home
How long should I stand at my front door naked yelling at birds?
“let the meat rest for 5 minutes after cooking” wtf it doesn’t need a rest just been sitting there in the oven for an hour
I won’t bore you with my problems. Because all of my problems are fascinating.
I just closed a browser tab by accident and yelled noooooo as one of my free articles for the month disappeared into the abyss forever.
Happy Lunch to those who celebrate!
If you say “it’s twelve noon,” I assume you eat cow beef and didn’t do well at education school
BREAKING: FBI discovers that Hillary’s 30,000 deleted emails were all Facebook notifications from Biden tagging her on cat videos.
Turned the other cheek and found the tv remote.
SERGEANT [on the radio]: mayday mayday we’ve located an enemy hotspot
ME [bullets dinging my helmet]: oooh get the password Sarge
*asks grocery store manager to write a note telling my wife that I looked everywhere but couldn’t find the ice cream she wanted*
The kids complained that I was making them run laps around the house for exercise, so now they’re running laps with a vacuum cleaner.
Ratatouille is my favorite movie based on a true story.
Stood in front of a dollar store and waited way too long for the *automatic* door to open before I realized my mistake.
Then I did it again on my way out. I can never go back there.
It’s a dad joke because the corniness is readily a parent.
[writing Jurassic Park 2]
Writer 1: alright first things first, palaeontologists OUT
Writer 2: but it’s a dinosaur movie-
Writer 1: -bUt iTs A dInOsAuR mOviE STFU. Hairy chest mathematician IN
People without kids who give other people’s kids messy or annoying toys..
Imagine that we gave you a monkey with a kazoo and fingerpaints..
Every recipe should include ingredients, instructions, and which local restaurant delivers last minute
I SCREAM
YOU SCREAM
WE ALL SCREAM BECAUSE MY WIFE IS DRIVING WITHOUT HER GLASSES ON AGAIN!!
I feel bitchy.I want to steal your pen,then use it in front of you,while denying it’s your pen.Then leave a note that says “it was your pen”
Call me old fashioned, but I’m dying of smallpox.
‘You have an important event coming up? OwmeeGod, count me in!’ -pimples.
An old Russian wisdom:
Tell me who your friends are,
And I’ll tell you what
you’ll be charged with.
do british flat earthers say the world is apartment?
Got booted from the rest stop bathroom for tickling everyone’s ankles
I ended up living in a storage unit the last time I took advice from a guy named Kyle
Parenting is a lot of shouting things like: IF YOU GET YOURSELF STUCK IN A BOX, YOU’RE NOT ALLOWED TO MOVE UNTIL I GET A PICTURE!
robber: alright this is a robbery
dad: no this is a bank
robber: damnit dad not now