[wedding]
PRIEST: In lieu of vows the couple wishes to do their secret hand shake
ME (groom): could everybody turn around? it’s a secret
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*opens paper towels*
dog
me: It’s not food
*opens mail*
dog
me: It’s not food
*opens package of scissors*
dog
me: It’s not f
COP: Anything you say can and will be used against you–
ME: Handcuff keys
COP (to his partner): Damn, this guy’s good
A man has been jailed for forging banknotes.
He also got a big fine which he immediately paid in crisp $9 notes.
the process of buying a podcast mic in america needs to be made as or more difficult than buying a gun
Interviewer: why did you leave your last job?
Me: hmm that’s a tough one. I guess I’d probably have to say listening is my biggest strength
Sorry I asked, “Is it friendly?” & tried to pet your baby.
CONTRACTOR: it’s a small leak you just need a plumber
BOWSER: castle’s ruined boys we’re moving!
Me: So you’re allergic to avocados?
Her: Yup…
Me: Like a vampire?
Her: No that’s garlic.
Me: Oh, like a werewolf?
Her: No, those are silver bullets.
Me: Not avocado bullets?
Her: Don’t…
Me:
Her: Don’t do it…
Me: Fired from a…
Her: *sigh*
Me: Glockamole…
Her: I hate you
I don’t know why so many people blame their air conditioning for their inability to spell.
If anything bites you, chain yourself in the basement for the next full moon. Just to be sure.
*things I learned from horrors
pirate: walk the plank
me: ok but i don’t have a leash lol
pirate: *drops sword* dad?
No one ever talks about what a flex it is when Yoda just gets tired of answering all of Luke’s questions and dies
I WANT NERVOUS CHAIR!!!!!!!!!!!!
Me: You are not going to believe this…
Priest: Your confessions will always be belived, my child
Me: There is no toilet paper over here.
imagine a reverse pizza. the missing hole on the table where the pizza is meant to be. everything else is pizza. the solar system. the air.
Atheists are Popeless romantics.
I would love to live a sober life but then I’d be giving my MIL a reason to like me…
I’m married, so I recorded the last time I had sex 4 years ago, I’ll open the windows at 3 am and play it to impress the neighbors.
Neighbor’s rooster hacks & crows like he’s been a lifelong smoker
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor on this flight?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a YouTuber to help, are they?
Me: Dad, there’s a medical emergency happening right now
Dad: Go and see if “what up guys” helps
me: I’d like to buy that lady at the end of the bar a drink
judge: no
Unfortunately a recent breakthrough in therapy means I must say goodbye to my comfort swords, my acceptance machete, and my protection bomb.
An empty box at the top of the stairs, the cat, an inevitable union.
Remember, it’s not a real paleo diet unless you’re eating mammoth every day.
I used to be scared upon waking in the middle of the night, but after raising two babies and seeing all hours of the clock, I’ve learned that the only thing that is truly frightening is hearing the word “Mom” whisper-screamed into my ear.
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
Me: If I was The Invisible Man, my pronouns would be who/where
He drinks a whiskey drink, he drops the vodka drink, he spills a lager drink, he’s at the roller rink
*puts on Rocky theme music*
*cracks neck*
*cracks knuckles*
*stretches*
*jogs in place*
*picks up phone to call mom*
These are too funny not to post 😂