Who the hell called them deadbeat dads instead of negli-gents?
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“I’d hit that if I was drunk.” – Me, driving by a mailbox just now.
Ladies, if he’s
– always giving you one-word responses
– unsupportive when you’re visibly upset
– coming over unannounced in the middle of the night
– faintly tapping at your chamber doorHe’s not your man. He’s the Raven, nothing more.
me: sweet chainmail
knight: thanks tell six of your friends or I’ll kill you
[Bear attack]
Me: Thank god bears can’t climb trees, I should be safe here.
Bear: *shoots a grappling hook* Think again pal!
I’m trying to be more fit these days, so now I walk inside the store to buy my donuts instead of using the drive-thru.
@ candidates for local office
Show yourself some self-love.
No. Not in public.
Her: I bet you forgot it.
Him: I have a photographic memory.
[shakes violently]Her: ?
Him: Sorry, it’s a Polaroid. Is it Becky?
Her: NO
My idea to call our weekend bicycling group the “Pedalphiles” was not well-received AT ALL.
Any room can be a bathroom if you hate the person who’s house you’re in.
That pet Koala is like, “Ain’t y’all pets too?”
“I am the God of mischief in Norse mythology, but I don’t want too many people knowing about it”.
– Low key.
Sir, those are my emotional support chrome tabs
“What race was the guy?” – a question you’ll never have to ask my uncle during a story.
If you drink 8 glasses of water a day and exercise for 30 minutes a day there’s pretty much no time for anything else in the day.
mowed ⅓ of the lawn before my body remembered I haven’t exercised in 40 years
friend: I have cancer
me: (remembering that laughter is the best medicine) lol
Contact me if there’s an emergency. This includes if you’re planning on giving your pet a stupid name.
I feel like it should be pretty obvious at this point that when I google “how long does [some food item] last” what I mean is “I am going to eat the food, please tell me how sick I should expect to get”
If a party with all dudes is called a “sausage fest”, I request that we start calling all girl parties “taco time”.
yeah i can totally shred on the guitar do you want romaine lettuce or cheese
My 6yo: There’s no school on Friday because it’s a teacher planning day. What does that mean?
Me: [mumbling] They plan on screwing up my Friday, that’s what.
Kids be like I can’t eat any more bites at dinner and then shockingly have room for 7 cookies.
Why non-smokers don’t take bubble blowing breaks is beyond me
Friend: I’m so sore from the class I took at the gym
Me: I spent 10 minutes trying to pick up a cube of ice off my floor, I know the feeling
[hotel]
ME: No minibar?
BF: No.
ME: Or room service?
BF: You’re being extreme.
ME: *emerges in camouflage* We’re survivalists now, Gary.
Hello, I dinged your car. The people watching me leave this note probably think I’m leaving you my name & number.
Signed, Guess Who.
Telling my toddler not to chase the cat around with her nunchucks is easily the coolest thing I’ve ever said as a dad or a human.
Surgeon: We’ve successfully removed part of your intestine
Me: That took guts, LOL
Patient: Who is that guy?
Surgeon: I thought you knew him
*sitting in HR wearing devil horns*
HR: We need to talk about your attire.
Me: I was always told to dress for the job you want.