Who wants to pump my gas? This is not sexual.
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*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘bomb’ eighteen times during interview at Great Clips.
I just switched my phone to airplane mode and a small child appeared and started kicking me in the back.
ME: *making tiny wigs for birds*
BALD EAGLE: finally
[waking from 10 yr coma] Where am I?
“Don’t worry. You’re home in America”
But…I’m Swedish!
“World Emperor Trump will explain everything”
Some parenting days swing very quickly and extremely between “I’d die for my kid” and “I know why some animals eat their young”.
Why is this me 😫
Me: So what do you wanna get your friend for his bday?
9: I asked him what he likes & he said tacos.
Me: ok..
9: But I said, “Not food. What else do you like?” And he said his grandma
Me: ok so
9: And I said not grandmas either! Let’s just get him a football or something
DATE [annoyed] in your profile, it said u had amazing abs
ME [slams car to a stop] Amy it’s the best anti-lock braking system I’ve ever had
Nutritionist: Let’s identify those triggers that stop you from eating well, they could be subtle
M: I guess the main one is being awake
N:..
Nothing tests the marriage bond like being stranded in an airport with kids.
[kidnapper hands wife phone]
“brent”
BABY IM COMIN *kidnapper takes back phone but she can hear me yelling* IS THE HAM IN THE FRIDGE EXPIRED
*robs neighbor’s chicken coop*
*serves poached eggs*
Doctors texting each other.
So much focus on the gold silver and bronze! What about the fourth place finisher? Sorry about that 1/200th of a second. Here’s a cheese sandwich.
All of our friends were having babies, so my wife and I decided we might as well go ahead and get new friends.
My mom, to me as a kid: You’d probably never bathe if you could get away with it.
Me now, in quarantine: She was right on the money with that one.
Somewhere, some Nigerian lawyer is wondering why you’re not sending him the personal information that he needs to give you your inheritance
Wait what do you mean Jesus loves me? Did he say something to you? OMG I’m freaking out right now tell me his exact words.
Girl: Gonna keep having sex with this guy until he changes for me
Guy: Can’t believe she keeps having sex w/me I better not change a thing
ME: my clothes are getting smaller
WIFE: you’re probably just putting on a little weight
ME: *pulling lint from dryer* then explain this
My boss told me I look tired, so now I call her mom.
i asked my mom why she was crying and she said because shes choping onions which is sad becuase as a young child she was adopted by onions
I’m closing my pizza parlor. The Board of Health revoked my slicense.
Fun Fact: In New York City it’s a Class A felony for a pizzeria to run out of pepperoni.
10: Dad, what’s a cliffhanger?
Me: Well, son …
[to be continued]
My kids persuaded me to buy Peppa Pig pasta shapes, and tonight I’ll be testing their understanding of irony by making them bacon pasta for dinner.
reading a book about blimps and every other sentence is like “unfortunately there was a 10 mph crosswind and the blimp exploded”
[vet school]
ME: Welcome, students. Hope you brought textbooks because-
[spins cat on finger like basketball]
-I have no idea what I’m doing
Just dropped my youngest off at a park to go play with some friends and now my wife is texting me all these questions I don’t know the answers to like “Was another parent there” and “how long will she be there” and “which park” and “why can’t you remember which park”
The masseuse asked if I wanted her to finish me, I said yes & then she ripped my spine out & said “Flawless Victory!”