I want to be a pilot, but mostly so I’d have an excuse to tell passengers, “Where we’re going, we don’t need roads.”
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In Canada, she’s Kilometery Cyrus.
Them: We’re concerned about you. We think you’re a Black Widow [offers me cake & coffee]
Me: No thanks. I’m trying not to eat between males
*looking a gift horse in the mouth*
– British dentists
Fun fact: If Celine Dion sang only the vowels in her name, it would be the lyrics to Old McDonalds Farm.
I can’t believe I actually married the right person this time.
Currently on minute 137 of Easy~Bake Oven cupcakes. I’ll be live Tweeting their status as they crisp up over the next day or two.
Accidentally got in the 10 items or less line with 11 items again, so I made two separate transactions so I wouldn’t piss anyone off.
[Busy ER]
Patient: So what happens after this?
Me: [stares into distance] Some think heaven. Some think nothing happens. Possibly even limbo until some higher power decides your fate
Patient: So…I meant what happens now you’ve requested an inpatient bed for me?
Me: Oh. Same.
Caveman 1: Tell me a story.
Caveman 2: Once upon a time….
Caveman 1: Woah you lost me!
* Kindergarten*
Hi kids! I’m the homeroom mom for your class. [writes name on chalkboard]
[Boy Raises hand]
We can’t read. No one can read
How long do you wait before you introduce your girlfriend to your child? For arguments sake let’s say you’ve been dating for 3 years and the child is 6 weeks old.
I began speaking English with a French intonation after a fender bender. Well, I guess accents will happen.
Barber: How do you want it?
Me [gets the same haircut every time]: UUUUUUUUUUUUUHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
Recreational running is the muggle equivalent of drinking unicorn blood. Sure, you’ll probably live longer, but at a terrible price.
A penny for your thoughts, a dollar if you keep them to yourself.
is the ultimate american drug watching an entire season of a tv show at once or getting married so you don’t have to die alone?
Customers love saying “I’ll have one of these” while pointing at a sign I can’t see.
When your parents check you’re ok.
Who needs an Air Fryer?
Dolls have given us an unrealistic image of women. For example, I found out Russian women do not contain smaller Russian women inside them.
*grabs your ankle from a storm sewer* if your barbie doll needs a hula hoop use an onion ring
[blind date]
ME [chewing a garlic clove like a piece of bubblegum]: wanna borrow my mask
If a coworker has two apples in his right hand and two oranges in his left hand, what does he have?
No chance of blocking an uppercut.
Life hack: giant marshmallows make cheap teeth whitening strips
For a petite woman my wife snores like a downshifting Mack truck.
Told my girlfriend I can’t get mad at her while she’s wearing cowboy boots because it just makes *me* feel stupid so now whenever she knows she messed up all I hear is klip klip kloppity coming down the hallway
me: freedom implies the existence of freesub
subway: we said no
My sisters made me watch their kids last night. At one point all six of them were crying, but I just kept rap battling them one by one.
Ice, ice, baby. Ice, ice, baby. – Me taking inventory at the cryogenic infant storage facility.
On my tax form I checked the single box but added “and looking”.