@nowthisnews: Who wore it best? #Oscars2015
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@Brampersandon_: ME: need help? GIRL (having car trouble): could u give me a jump ME: *inflating the bounce house I keep in my trunk* I thought u'd never ask
@AnOrangeSNES: [Describing the adjective thief to a sketch artist] Sketch Artist: Can you describe what he looked like? Me: Not anymore I can't
@DannyZuker: Pretty sure I know what my wife's getting me for my birthday cause when I guessed, "A 3-way?" she got all angry like I ruined the surprise.