“honey why is our water bill so high?”
*water bill sits there holding a bong*
hahahah duuuude i don’t know man. DORITOS. DO WE HAVE DORITOS?
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Wife – remember to compliment the host
[later]
Me – your wife is hot
The only way I’d get within six feet of some people is if I’m standing on their grave.
I was shocked as an adult to learn that the crisscross pattern made with a fork on a peanut butter cookie was not a family secret.
Wow…Looks like I’ve added some muscle mass.
~me everytime the scale tells me
I’m getting fatter.
2/14/16 — The Day I Got Owned Online By 1-800-Flowers
Hold a grudge? I’m still mad at a song from 1995 that confused irony with coincidence.
I don’t know if you really meant to Like Ebola on Facebook, 8,000 people
How do I get a job as the non-research half of a murder podcast that just contributes the occasional well-timed “wait, what?”
I freaked out thinking a cricket was following me for 3 blocks until I realized my phone alarm was set to the cricket sound
[bank]
Matt Damon: “I’d like to make a deposit.”
Teller: “Checking or…”
Matt Damon: “Please, don’t.”
Teller: “Savings, Private Ryan?”
If snakes were wide
“delete your account” and what, leave my children NOTHING
Microwave:
Me: *waves back*
Remember back when we had energy? Those were the days.
And I was never asked to make anything for the school bake sale again
My review of Godzilla vs Kong is the same as for the last four flicks:
NEED LESS HUMAN TALKY TALKY
NEED MORE MONSTER PUNCHY PUNCHY
Today there was a band-aid on my plate, a bat flew in the house, & a bee stung me. Today was brought to me by the letter B.
Pregnancy test that says, “Your cart has 1 item in it”
School winter break
Dec 22, 2021 –
things I would say ALL THE TIME were I a Mysterious Widow:
-how terribly kind of you
-richard LOVED the water
-i can’t, i’m wearing gloves
Can’t believe this needs to be said but giving two shots of vitamin B6 doesn’t mean you gave a shot of B12.
[God creating penguins]
I want a bird that doesn’t fly but loves to swim, and make sure you dress it classy AF.
*Sweeping the floor
Lower back: “Time to go out!”
Brain: “Wait, why? We’re not doing anything the least bit strenuous!”
Lower Back: “Dunno, we just gotta”
*cries hunchbackedly
I just read a book about Stockholm Syndrome. It was terrible at first but by the end I kind of liked it.
2yo: Me sick *sneezes in my face*
Me: Oh good, what fun plague am I going to catch now?
“tHaNkS fOr YoUr pAyMeNt!”
Shut up. I paid that bill against my will.
Me: The dog’s eaten the remote control
Wife: Then get another one[later]
Wife: Change the channel
Me *petting 2 dogs* how?
Me getting up to pee after being comfortable in bed
my husband pointed out that i “do a little shoulder dance” when i’m eating a good meal, and with a growing sense of horror, i consider the many amazing meals i’ve eaten with colleagues and bosses…
The best part about putting your cat on a diet is the frequent wake up calls every couple of hours starting around 2am 🙃