the only reason sharks haven’t built an advanced civilization yet is because they’ll die if they stop swimming. they simply have no time to scribe laws or lay bricks or invent pottery
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Me: My brother was in an accident & lost his hand.
Her: OMG, is he OK?
Me: Yes, it was his left hand so
Her: Don’t do it
Me: he’s all right
You’re not a mistake.
Mistakes can be fixed.You’re hopeless.
Does WebMD ever just say “you’re fine, there’s nothing wrong with you, go play outside you drama queen?”
Just got a residual check for 6 dollars for my scene in Almost Famous sooo…going to Vegas!!!!!!!!
me: so i have an attention deficit.
psychologist: yes.
me: so i need to get more attention
psychologist: no.
“I smell carrots. Do you smell carrots? ’cause I smell carrots…”
~ Snowmen.
Kill them with kindness, you say?
*slowly and sadly puts down bazooka*
Very sad to hear about Donald Trump. Nothing happened to him I’m just sad to hear about him
I wonder if Captain America ever borrows money from Captain China.
It’s called support maybe you’ve heard of I.T.
So we got a goldfish…
Woman selling raffle tickets: would you like to enter a drawing?
Guy from A-Ha: i’m not doing that shit again
the chicken crossed the road for the same reason everyone else does— to avoid running into someone it knew
The bleeding walls and voice saying “Get out” I can live with but the inadequate natural light in the breakfast nook is intolerable.
GARY BUSEY: I WANNA WRITE A BOOK
HIS AGENT: gary that’s a bad idea—how’d you feel about a ghost writer?
GARY: SCARED AS HELL BUT I LIKE IT
Executioner: any last words
Me: [very fast] if I’m innocent say what
Executioner: what?
Me: oh man you’re sooooo going to get fired.
If a bank robber yelled at me to get down on the ground and then my apple watch told me to stand I’d be legit conflicted for a second
My 3 year old, who doesn’t notice her pants are inside out or that her shoes are on the wrong feet, can spot a diced onion in her food from 3 feet away
*Takes our kid away so my wife can have a break*
*Takes kid to pub*
*Bumps into wife at pub*
FRIEND: hey while I’m on vacation can you come over and feed the cat?
ME:
FRIEND:
ME: to what?
If dog hair were a commodity, I’d be tweeting this from my yacht.
walmart boss: ur fired
me: is it cuz of what i did to the eggs
boss: it’s cuz u keep saying welcome to walgreensmart to the custome– what did u do to the eggs
me: is walmart not short for walgreensmart
*Opens Facebook, closes Facebook
*Opens Insta, closes Insta
*Opens twitter, doesn’t sleep for 3 days
TRUE STORY
Just made this restaurant change its “All you can drink Brunch” Policy.
Friend: Isn’t it crazy to think that every decision you make for your kids will change the trajectory of their entire lives?
Me: Thank you for pointing that out. Please never talk to me again.
I lock the closet that holds my skeletons very tightly. Learned that lesson the hard way after the dog ran off with the wife’s femur.
Hey girl are you the supply chain? Because despite extensive explanations I do not understand what is wrong with you
Him: “Are you single?”
Me: *flashes back to that time Wil Wheaton RTd me and left me at the top of his TL all night*
“It’s complicated…”
My friend is mad at me because I saw her using a huge tablet to make a call so I offered her a gas cylinder to light her cigarette..