whoa, 4 ferrets stacked on top of one another wearing a trenchcoat!
“no, it’s me devin, from high school?”
wow ok you did not age well
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A spider built a web across a rarely used toilet in my basement so occasionally I’ll flush it for him so maybe he thinks he over a series of picturesque mountain rapids
FRIEND [happily married]: Marriage is awful… I haven’t had sex in nearly a week
ME [regularly hugs freshly-printed paper just to feel a warm embrace]: Sucks to be you
Why do customers threaten you with “I’m not coming back here” alright Gertrude see if I care? If anything ur doing me a favour luv x
After the floors are mopped no one is allowed to walk on them again… Ever
~Women
Alright so I have a pretty good joke for if Pirates Of The Carribean was nominated for several academy awards and lost all of them that the host could say and it’s this: “I’ve heard of not a dry eye in the house, but not an aye aye in the house?”
Maybe I’m like Spider-Man except I got bit by a radioactive sloth.
Why am I single? *wipes hands on shirt like a napkin* Beats me.
David Hasselhoff saves money on tailored shirts by not ordering the first 5 buttons.
I just ruined my 5 year olds’ entire life by using the wrong shade of yellow for the sun
Yay parenting
[Running a marathon]
Guy beside me: are- are you wearing tap dancing shoes?
A fake ID that says you’re only 14 so you can get cheaper buffets
Hey if a public bathroom door is locked don’t forget to try to repeatedly open it and give the person using it paralyzing anxiety
When the stylist spins you back around
[Cops have a warrant for my arrest]
Cops: you’re coming with us!
*Plays the Benny Hill theme on my phone & runs away*
Foot chase ensues.
Bartender: “I see your glass is empty. Would you like another?”
Me: “What on earth would I do with 2 empty glasses?”
ME: I’m anti-murder
MURDERER: Wow, that’s narrow-minded
God’s son died single, but he’ll help you find your match on Christian Mingle.
me: can we discuss my crippling fear of elephants?
therapist: i’m all ears
me: *screaming*
Woke up this morning expecting a raging headache. My husband said, “Wanna know why your head doesn’t hurt so bad? Your last several gin and tonics I ordered for you were just water.”
oh, he likes camping? crush some leaves and put them in your hair.
Like jury duty, people should be randomly selected to work awful retail or food service shifts, just so everyone understands how horribly these folks are treated
Imagine lawyers calling in to their firms like, “Ugh the case will have to wait, just got called for Applebee’s duty”.
Screaming out “BOOM PREGNANT!” during sex is never as funny as you think it will be.
The same people who tell you to follow your dreams are the ones who are all ‘surprised’ when you show up to do a presentation buck naked. Do not trust these people. Stay woke and follow zero dreams.
I’m not sure if I like my wife’s new boyfriend.
Is it just me, or have KFCs started getting too picky with their ‘no shoes, no shirt, no service’ policy…?
Ah, tax refund season again. I wonder which appliance will break this year?
happy mother’s day❤️
This goddamn CVS receipt is taller than I am
BRUCE WAYNE: [enters meeting room still wearing Batman cape] what’s first today?
NEW GUY: OMG Bruce Wayne is Bat-
INTERN: [covering new guy’s mouth] we pretend we don’t know
Him: “Describe what you’re wearing right now”
Me: (in yoga pants I didn’t do yoga in, T-shirt I’ve had on for days w/various food stains, fuzzy socks bc I’m freezing, hair in bun)
“Just out of the shower so tank, panties and no bra”
Him: “So hot”
Me: *resumes eating ice cream