WIFE: Whatcha thinking about?
ME: *thinking about how penguins could probably fly if they just believed in themselves more* Just work stuff
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I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target today and, long story short, I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.
this is how life feels
Do you ever wake up.
Kiss the person beside you, and just be thankful to be alive.I did.
Not really appreciated on flights apparently
My dog eats too much food and throws it up. EVERYDAY. I swear to God if she keeps this up, she’s going to look amazing.
“Miss Yates, why didn’t Sam and Frodo just use the eagles to fly the ring to Mount Doom?” – Ted Cruz.
me: *jumping out of a cake*
guy in next urinal: DUDE
If movies have taught me anything it’s that when someone says, “sir, you can’t be in here,” if you retort with, “no no, it’s ok,” it totally becomes ok.
Me: Rumplestiltskin is such an unrealistic fairy tale. Like anyone would really want a firstborn kid. They’re the worst.
12yo: I can hear you.
What, this is my emotional support rabid wolf
[Talking to a giant banana] “Is that a human being in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?”
New friend- What do you do for a living?
Me- Disappoint my family.
Receptionist: Psychiatric Unit, can I help you?
Me: Yes, I’d like to make a reservation…
The saddest thing about the digital age is the next generation won’t have that “nudie mag they found in the woods” experience. #culture
*God provides manna from heaven*
“Is there gluten in this?”
Me: [butchering a raw pork shoulder]
Child: Can I poke it?
Me: What?
Child: Can I poke it?
Me: Poke…poke the pork?
Child: Yes.
Me: WHY
Child: It looks squishy.
Me: It IS squishy.
Child:
Me:[5 mins later]
Wife: WHY ARE YOU TWO POKING THE PORK
(after spending 15 minutes ripping a video off instagram and reposting it to twitter) who did this 😂😂😂😂😂
DO NOT show up to my place unannounced, I will literally stare at you from the window until nightfall, I don’t give a shit.
[jumps in getaway car after bank robbery]
“They said no I couldn’t have any money”
Damn it, they make it look so easy in the movies
No greater betrayal than a rogue eyelash. How could you? The very eyeball that you swore to protect.
This is bullshit. Panic bought this 100 lb bag of rice when quarantine started; only eaten a fistful because it’s all sharp and hard and crunchy, NOT like in the restaurants.
People who are “more than happy” should donate serotonin.
Cop: GET DOWN ON THE GROUND
Me: I didn’t do…
Cop:*cuffing me* Dispatch, we have a creepy clown in custody
Me: These are my regular clothes
I made a mistake. Then I ate that mistake and made more. I made so many mistakes that I had leftovers. Soon, a freezer full of mistakes. You’ve stopped making mistakes? Here, have some of mine. I’ve got plenty.
running chickens are hilarious in a velociraptor kind of way
11 y/o Daughter: [opens xmas present] uh..cable ties?
Wife: she asked for a pony..
Me: a pony? ..SHE CAN’T EVEN LOOK AFTER HER CABLES LINDA
Ninja wedding vows be like “in slickness and in stealth.”
Save money this Halloween by utilizing last years’ hobo costume to dress up as this year’s federal employee.
If my metabolism and serotonin were employees they would have been so fired by now
Greatest villain Gotham city was its city planner cuz I get folks need jobs but come on. Who zones many deadly toxic chemical factories in the middle of dense populated city. And also out for drain to go directly into the River system.
Got really drunk and had unprotected sex with the cashier at 7-11 last night. Hope I don’t catch slurpees.