Whoa there, pregnancy test. You just tell us yes or no and we’ll decide if it’s positive or negative.
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If you wear cowboy clothes are you technically ranch dressing
Guys, when she complains about something you didn’t do, tell her about the things you did do. That will make everything ok!
You’re welcome!
apparently this year was written by stephen king
It’s 6am somewhere!
~Toddlers waking up at 4am.
I remember when the only in-flight movie choices were either you watched or you didn’t
I hide photos on my computer of me petting animals at the zoo in a file named FIREWORKS AND VACUUMS so my dog won’t find them.
Got excited to check out the new place called Juicy Ladies and was very disappointed it was just a juice bar.
quarantine day 1: filet mignon with bordelaise sauce, charred asparagus and roasted garlic fingering potatoes
quarantine day 5: entire bag of stale marshmallows
quarantine day 7: tequila
I think my girlfriend is a serial killer you guys…she wakes up and makes the bed in the morning
If I could choose my own superhero origin story I’d be bitten by a radioactive serotonin
The Water Board sent me a notice saying that my bill was a year old,
I obviously apologised for forgetting, and sent them a birthday card.
Wife: I swear, it’s like you never even listen to me!!!
Me: Sounds great, Dear.
My mind says “no” but my heart says “yes”, all my vital organs speak English, it’s very confusing and loud
God: you’re a seabird.
Puffin: can I fly?
God: oh course you can fly you’re a bird aren’t you?
Puffin: oh good.
God: omg can you even imagine being a bird that can’t fly?
Puffin: I know right? lol.
Penguin: [under breath] don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry.
When Corner House says something righteous and you just think
Trojans: oh cool guys it’s that giant horse we ordered off Amazon
Greek soldiers: [quietly] lmao
I want to be on maternity leave but without the baby.
Why are people upset about the Starbucks cup and not the fact that they are paying $7 for coffee?
[Studying for his history test]
10: I wish I was born in the 1800s
Me: Why?
10: I’d have less history to learn
Save us all the headache of buying my kids more toys.
Just give me money and I’ll put it on the floor & trip on it before pocketing it.
Harrison Ford just turned up at my AA group. I’ve never seen Han so low.
The popularity of this combination speaks of a world thus far hidden from me.
I need a personal trainer to be in charge of how I exercise because I’m in charge of how I eat and look how that turned out.
Point blank tho, never met a turtle I didn’t like. Sea, snapping, painted, teenage mutant ninja…
I feel so alive when I watch an object fall and shatter into hundreds of pieces. Not alive enough to clean up the mess though.
Snakes are refusing to fly on Boeing Max planes.
HER: Shake what your momma gave you!
ME: *Tosses around crippling anxiety and male pattern baldness*
Went for a handshake and got snubbed. So I turned it into an impromptu Macarena dance, since I didn’t wanna look stupid
SORTING HAT: this kid’s a piece of shit uh I mean slytherin