@JasonLastname: Who'd win if Batman fought Santa? Before u say Batman, just remember who's watching you answer.
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@Smethanie: Dermatologist asked why I want my tattoo removed and looked at me like no one's ever said "because it's my ex's Twitter handle" before.
@McNevich: If there's a pistachio that's difficult to open, I'll just move right on to another because life is short and so is my god damn temper
@GensPlace: Spiders have it about right. If he doesn't bring her a snack when he courts her it's curtains..
@KeetPotato: [at dave's who has like 9 dogs] me: "what d'you call a fly with no wings" dave: "keith dont" me: "a WALK!" [drowns in a tidal wave of dogs]