Whoever called it rush hour should not be allowed to name anything else.
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hello, this is your hindsight talking, that is a very bad idea, don’t do that
[sitting in the front seat of an UberPool while a couple makes out hardcore in the back]
[at a red light, the driver and i suddenly lock eyes]
me: do ya wanna…?
uber driver: no
The keys to a successful marriage include separate bank accounts, separate bathrooms, and separate Netflix profiles
english teacher: *yelling* I am APPALLED
me:
me: ok
me: what is a pald
King’s men: well don’t just stand there, help us put this egg mf back together again
King’s horses:
When u drop an ice cube on the floor u have only 2 options:
1. kick it under the fridge
2. pick it up & throw it at the sink missing wildly
When I said I like it rough.. I meant sex, not the entire relationship.
Me: *hanging off a cliff*
Kids: Mom! Mom! Mom! Mom!
Me: Oh thank goodness! Kids, go get-
Kids: What’s for dinner?
“It was a different time.”
“It was this morning.”
“THAT’S A DIFFERENT TIME.”
“If you started at 16 and work until you’re 23.
That would give you 10 years of experience.”
Back to school for you My friend!
Jay-Z has an underachieving brother named Lay.
“murder” she wrote
“your password must contain at least one number and one upper case letter” the screen said
“murd3R” she wrote, frowning
Yesterday I called a store to see if they were open and, as soon as they picked up, I knew they were, but had to follow through with what was by then a really stupid question.
What do you call a Magician without any magic?
Ian.
What if the Daleks start eating an apple a day
My new pajamas have no pockets. I don’t want to hear your problems.
Let’s make a calendar where the models look worse as the year goes on so I feel like I’m progressing in my fitness goals
Them: “How’s your diet going?”
Me: *slowly eats a powdered donut while maintaining eye contact*
If you’re feeling this, that’s normal. Take it easy ❤️
If something rolls off of my plate… I eat it first, as punishment for trying to run away.
16th CENTURY KING: Fear not, for I have come
COURT JESTER: lol that’s what she spake
“It’s been a bit of a day”
Meaning: Anything from “the printer stopped working” to “an asteroid hit the planet and eradicated 90% of living things”
Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?
I heard the food was good but it had no atmosphere.
You think you’re tired? Try being a child who’s been asked to put away their own laundry that’s been washed, folded and delivered to their room for them.
I just want to tell everyone how I feel about you!
Ma’am I just need you to sign for these packages.
My reality check bounced, guess I’ll have to stay insane for the time being
“I’d kill you if I thought I could get away with it”…….things that were said to me during my divorce. Hey guy’s, she’s available!
If I post camping pics I’m being held against my will
No selfies while hijacking a train.
At a red light:
Me: *turns to face car next to me*
*rolls down window*
Guy: *looks*
Me: *loudly sings song*
*dances*
G: *panicked look*