Whoever called it rush hour should not be allowed to name anything else.
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[drops son off for 1st day at daycare]
“Ok, Mr Hughes, see you at 3 o’clock.”
“Not a chance. He’s your problem now.”
Me: Achoo!
People trying to scare me: Boo!
My bladder: I hate October.
ME: Just don’t touch my Pop Tarts and we’ll be okay
PRIEST: *stunned* I’d like to remind everyone that the couple chose to write their own vows
No one
An atheist: I am an atheist btw
Make porridge seem more glamorous by describing it as “Oat Cuisine”.
Bear Grylls: *waits impatiently for NASA’s call*
“I’m going to work.”
“Okay.”
“Will you miss me?”
“Yeah, sure.”
“Gee, don’t sound so heartbroken.”
“NO! PLEASE DON’T LEAVE ME!!”
“Now you’re just being patronizing.”
“What is it you want from me, Sue?”
Ah yes keep complaining the guy at 7/11 doesn’t speak English well enough, like you aren’t the moron who needs help in a convenience store
Started my new healthy diet today. Breakfast is 2 almonds, I lick an apple for lunch, and dinner is yelling at a picture of myself naked.
I can’t wait for the stage of capitalism where we have to watch a 15 second advertisement before we remember a memory.
i don’t see why i have to clean the shower. imo it is the shower’s job to clean me
ME: *rolls up sleeves* time to fix the sink
WIFE: *rolling her sleeves back down* what is wrong with you just fix it
Morning school bus was 8 minutes late so [leaves 1-star Yelp review]
The fact that the Oscars doesn’t have a host doesn’t bode well for Parasite.
My neighbors are out in their backyard having an epic argument so it looks like the fireworks show is getting started early.
Hostess:There’s a 45 min wait
Me:Do you know who I am? I have THOUSANDS of followers!
H:Let me ask my manager
*2 min later
H:It’ll be 43 min
Ok, but like, how married are you?
*after sex
No, you cannot sleep over.
Husband:
People keep asking if they can help me by watching my newborn. She doesn’t make me watch cocomelon, leave toys all over the floor, or scream that her brother is looking at the her. Take the older two.
Some people bite their tongue, I have to bite my fingers to keep from replying to some stupid reply.
Men, please quit wishing for the perfect woman for Christmas. Three times this week Santa Claus tried to kidnap me.
I don’t know what upsets me more, the fact that that guy stole my tweet or that he only got 2 retweets off of it
The Wizard of Oz is my favourite movie about serial murder for personal gain.
ME: Ha ha bro why is your wife named Purse Phone?
HADES: That isnt… thats not how you say it
Our homeowner’s association just sent out a notice about dogs barking in the neighborhood which is so totally stupid cause dogs don’t read email.
My bra as colander, catching stray food since age 15.
My friend got my girls slime for their bday so I’m getting her daughter a harmonica for hers.
Ok so when the clock does it, it’s fine, but when I do it, I’m “cutting ahead of 45 people in airport security”?
It’s always uncomfortable when someone says you might be their soulmate, and you have to tell them you don’t have a soul.
Everyone keeps returning to the same hypothetical. If loving you is wrong…
Bullshit.
What if loving you is gross? That’s the question.