Whoever called it Thor 2 and not Keeping Up With The Asgardians is an idiot.
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ME: I always get so nervous on flights. Like I know it’s supposed to be safe, but I just don’t understand how something so heavy can stay in the air, you know?
CO-PILOT: The speaker’s still on, Captain.
Woke up screaming this morning. My apologies to everyone in the meeting.
Huge, if true.
Joseph: could you put the shopping away, there’s a fish & some bread on- oh no
*house is overflowing with fish & bread*
Jesus: i am so sorry
Me: I’ll never be like my parents
Also me: If you kids don’t stop fighting, I’ll pull this car over and you can walk home!
Nothing says you’re failing as an Asian like your waiter discreetly handing you training chopsticks.
Hate when you’re walking behind someone & want to pass them & then they start the “drift” & you both crash into a shelf of glass figurines.
10: Mom, I know your secret; you’re a superhero
Me: I am?
10: Yes, I found your handcuffs and a mask.
Me:
Me: Yes, I am. I’m a superhero!😏
Doesn’t get paid: has popcorn and vodka martinis for dinner.
Gets paid: has popcorn and raspberry vodka martinis for dinner.
Turns out it only takes three lies to get Pinocchio to slingshot his mask across the room
That terrible moment when you realize the old man in your Facebook feed was a high school classmate.
Chances of my kid no longer liking their ‘favourite’ snack the day after I bought the Costco size box of it? 210%
I seriously have no problem with Bill Gates putting chips in the vaccine. I do take issue with him not including dip.
Auto correct changed “dingo” into “condom” which is still accurate. The condom did kind of eat my baby. All my babies.
Date: Let’s exchange numbers
Me: Won’t that confuse people who try to call us?
Apparently showing the pharmacist a picture of my wife was not a good enough reason to get Valium without a prescription.
one time a girl told me she listens to “anything but country” so i played pterodactyl noises on on full volume the whole way to Ruby Tuesday
Shoutout to Batman for being a true American and proving the only superpower you need is money.
I’m the guy that lures fragile old ladies into my windowless van at night with Werthers Originals.Then safley escort them to the bingo hall.
Spring cleaning checklist…
Instead of a hot girl summer I’m having a Tony Soprano summer where I eat mortadella and pasta, wear my robe all day, and go to therapy
Why do people named Deborah go by “Deb” and never “bruh”
The coolest Superhero would be The Inaudible Woman.
Found a picture of me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe it’s been a whole year.
Being shitty in a relationship is actually doing the world a favor if your partner is a songwriter
how do they know an animal is extinct like??? u looked everywhere????
Cop: Where were you on the night of July 19th 2009?
Me: Well I had diarrhea that day
Cop: That was 10 years ago. How do you remember that?
Me: *slamming fist on table* I have diarrhea every day
Girl, is your name “Schedule” ?
Because I’m always running behind ya.
A moment of silence please. Not for anyone in particular, everyone just shut up.
A saltwater crocodile’s bite can exert up to 3,700 lbs of pressure per square inch, which scientists say is notably less than that produced by my Dad Stare. Tread carefully, chief