MOVIE IDEA: Jurassic Park, but the fences all work and everyone just has a really lovely time.
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“The old lady I see in the park every day has had her house raided.”
“Sniffer dogs?”
“No, I usually just say good morning to her”.
Controversial opinion: no one should be cutting down a Christmas tree unless they intend on eating it.
No need to drive me crazy. I can walk from here.
If getting a tan is wrong then I don’t wanna be white.
Archaeologist 1: she must have died suddenly, a mug of tea was still in her microwave
Archaeologist 2: actually we carbon dated the tea and she died a week afterwards
i just think if i chewed lava quick enough it wouldn’t be too bad
America: OH MY GOD. Some guy got shot in Ferguson.
World: We’re kinda busy with the 191,000 deaths from the Syrian Civil War
Next on CNN, 600 hours of guessing what happened to a plane.
My kid, holding a jug of apple juice:
“Mommy can you open this?”Me, in the shower:
“Ask your father.”
My husband swears he doesn’t read my stupid magazines, so I guess we have a ghost that leaves my Entertainment Weekly in the bathroom.
Me: I’m a programmer.
Person 1: “make my website pls”
Person 2: “I have a billion dollar idea”
Person 3: “can you fix my printer?”
Person 4: “How do I create a table of contents in Microsoft Word?”
Neighbor: “Can you fix the building’s elevator?”
Him: What’s your cup size?
Me: Venti
Jurassic Park CEO: I’m beginning to think a park with dinosaurs is a bad idea. Anyone?
Suit: Well…what if we make it a supermarket with dinosaurs?
CEO: Genius!
The snake that couple found in a bag of lettuce in Aldi is just one more in a long list of reasons to avoid salad.
I tried killing a spider with kindness, but found that a shoe was much more effective
My 4yo thinks the ice cream truck is “just a music truck.”
NO ONE TELL HER
“My dog’s learning to speak a foreign language.”
“Español?”
“No, he’s a labrador.”
Putting a kid to bed for the 1st time: Let me sing you this sweet lullaby, my sweet, sweet child.
Putting a kid to bed for the 3,680th time: I’ll give you $100 if you go to bed.
Parents: Are you eating well at school?
Me: Totally
*Eats sugary cereal for every meal from the dining hall*
King: For the last time, what’s your SURNAME?!
Sir Name: *staring, eyelid twitching in frustration*
POLICE OFFICER: I won’t ticket you, but — and this is a big but…
SIR MIX-A-LOT: I like where this is going
This makes total sense…
My spirit animal is a hamster named Bob.
He used to be a regular hamster named Bob.
But, I kinda forgot to feed him for a couple of weeks.
Me: Hello darkness my old friend
Darkness: *leaves on read*
He said it’s canoodle night later, and I thought great, I love lasagna.
Isn’t it amazing how drastically a moment can turn scary because of just one word? For example:
I don’t usually break into song. BUT…
Currently blackmailing the IT guy to extend the wifi coverage for my new hiding place at work.
I had two mice from the local church at my door last night.
They wanted to talk to me about cheeses
Cooking fresh fruit with sugar is my jam.