@sbellelauren: whoever decided how to spell camouflage is a terrible terrible person
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@Matt_the_1st: Cop: do you know why I pulled u over? Me: yeah, I was going like 120 back there Cop:.... Me:.. Cop: sir, your tailamp is out Me:...
@mishakey: It's fun to watch a waitress flirt with my husband for an entire meal, then see that look of betrayal as I take the check from her hand.
@JohnLyonTweets: Adam and Eve were the first people to agree to the Apple terms and conditions without reading them.
@kimtopher22: Optimism [op-tuh-miz-uh m] noun Brushing your teeth before bed, knowing damn well you have a 1/2 sleeve of Thin Mints on your nightstand.