whoever decided how to spell camouflage is a terrible terrible person
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on average, a shark can swallow up to 7 octopuses every night while it sleeps
[touching face upon receiving compliment]
Glad you like it. But, it’s not a teardrop tattoo. It’s an Oxford comma.
Why do people say “no pun intended,” when they could just say, “pununintended?”
All I’m saying is, there are too many songs about love and not enough songs about evenly layered nachos.
Lucky for them, they’re cute
“Daddy, why do dogs need whiskers?”
-my 7-year-old son, while discreetly holding scissors in one hand and dog whiskers in the other
“My family doesn’t have a black sheep,” I say, while everyone avoids eye contact.
Me: Your hair smells so good. Which shampoo is that?
My Boss: This is inappropriate
Me: Your skin is so…
My Boss:*Turns off shower* OUT!
4-year-old: What do you want for your birthday?
Me: You could get me a “world’s best dad” mug.
4: You told me not to lie.
6: that’s none of your business
4: it IS my business
6:
4: what does business mean
I don’t want the baby mountain goat to die but I don’t want the snow leopard to starve. Why do we even watch these nature shows?
me: “we commemorate the day you died every year”
jesus: “thats nice, what’s the day called?”
me:
jesus:
me:
jesus: “keith?”
me: “bad friday”
To the person that put “SMILE” as their name on the printer… I will not!! In fact, I will hunt you down and force you to watch me frown.
respond to every april fools joke by staring the person directly in the eye and saying “yes, that truly was a fool’s joke”
I cant use facebook cuz everyone making popular comment I wish I thought of first, like “thank God it Friday!” or “Im pregnant of baby”
Mom of newborn: They say the crying gets better after seven weeks.
Newborn: *cries*
Me: *cries better*
I wish I could literally LMAO..That sounds like a lot more fun than 90 minutes at the gym.
Social services would take the kids away if they saw my house right now. Does anyone have their phone number?
My wife just sent me a text ” I just bought you the best Christmas present! xox :)” …..I hope she misspelled Xbox
Gremlins(1984): a shopkeeper with a creature so powerful it could destroy all human life gives it to a 12yo boy. Many lives are lost.(PG13)
I hate feeling like I’m racing against someone in a grocery store aisle. Like aren’t we grownups here? Anyway, I won.
*gets bitten by radioactive shark
*the remaining half does not gain super powers
* Aggressively aggresses your aggressions into aggressivity. *
Daughter: What does gays mean?
Me: Well you know mum and dad love each other – two men can love each other the same way
Her: So what’s ‘penetrating gays’?
Me: Er… read me the whole sentence
Her: “She stared at him with a penetrating gaze”
Me: Oh
Yes I can still pop, lock and drop it*!
*pop my hip joint, it locks up and I drop to the floor*
Wife: You were supposed to watch the kids!
Me: I am
Wife: They’re drawing on the walls!
Me: I said I’d watch. I didn’t say I’d intervene.
me: excuse me sir, what kind of wine is this
sommelier: [pretentious af] it’s merlot
me: excuse me merlot, what kind of wine is this
My brain: I will not pick this pimple
My brain: I will not pick this pimple
My brain: I will not pick this pimpleMy fingers: so we did a thing
Mcdonalds showing people doing yoga in their commercials is like George Bush having a library named after him.