@radtoria: Whoever decided to use pantyhose as a bank robbing disguise must have had one hell of a speech to convince his buds to follow along.
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@DadBeard: By the time my father was my age he had amassed, like, 30 coffee cans full of screws. I have none. What have I done with my life?
@Marlebean: [outside a blazing house] Firefighter: ... Me: ... Firefighter: ... Me: ... There was a spider.
@causticbob: You can lead a horse to water but it's pretty crowded there because of all the men you taught to fish in that other proverb.