Whoever invented popcorn deserves the Medal of Honor for not panicking after the first 45 seconds.
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“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”
My life is a lot like taking a road trip with kids, but it’s just me pestering the universe with:
“Am I there yet?”
“I want snacks”
“WHEN WILL WE GET THERE?!?”
“I have to pee again”
moving out: guess I’ll get rid of that exercise bike
moving in: you know what this place could use…
[shady nighttime meeting at the aquarium]
AQUARIUM EMPLOYEE: eels are already pretty slippery man
ME: shut up and help me butter them
I bet the first guy to pee on someone’s jellyfish sting was NOT trying to help them.
your stripper name is the first two words you see in a newspaper headline while on the phone with your wife pretending to be an old British woman so you can be her nanny and spend more time with your kids
This bar smells like my childhood.
“PARTY FOWL” someone yelled as the drunk duck did another keg stand
M: HEY, DID YOU REMEMBER CONDOMS?
H: FFS, use your inside voice
M: *whispers* did you remember condoms?
H: can this wait til after mass?
I wish Play-Doh tasted as good as it smells.
I wish I would remember that it doesn’t.
Not sure who needs to hear this, but a group of porcupines is called a prickle.
me: I had to sell my car to make rent this month
therapist: how does that make you feel
me: pretty tired I walk a lot
[leaving HS reunion w/ date]
Aren’t you going to ask why everybody was calling me ‘smelly boy’ tonight?
“Seemed pretty clear I thought”
[Sloth Job Interview]
Sloth Boss: How would you describe yourself?
*2 hours later*
Sloth Interviewee: Quick-thinking.
Me: It’s so nice to be wearing a shirt that fits and isn’t stained.
Toothpaste: Hi
When I’m feeling old, I like to visit my parents so they can push all my buttons until I lose my shit and just like that, I’m 16 again
Pilot, to passengers: Bit of a…uhhhh…problem on the flight deck…ahhhh…anyone know how much the average woodchuck might be able to…uhhhh…chuck?
Guy who loves tongue twisters: *whispering* It’s my time…
Me: I really want to go travelling
My bank balance: like…around the house?
After 2 weeks of multiple health screens and asking everyone to quarantine, I surprised my closest inner circle with a trip to a private island where we could hunt people for sport.
the pasta portion size at kourtney kardashian’s wedding is the one of the saddest things i’ve ever seen
My neighbor just yelled at her kids so loud, that even I brushed my teeth & went to bed.
I get it February, I can only leap about once every four years too.
I’m so lazy that I’ll break my tooth trying to get this tag off before I get up and get a scissor.
ME: I would like a complaint form
ASSISTANT: Sorry, we have none left
ME: I would like two complaint forms
*first day as a lawyer*
Bailiff: All rise for the judge.
Me: *too lazy* Objection.
Most couples have at least one odd bit of cutlery in their cutlery drawer that they presume belongs to their partner, which is why it’s fun to sneak odd bits of cutlery into your friends’ cutlery drawer when you visit.
Mary had a little lamb.. And then she had a very large kebab.
Not to brag but both my kids are from the same dad
Me: I’ll be ready in 2 minutes!
7: YOU SAID THAT A THOUSAND TRILLION MILLION YEARS AGO!
Looks like neither of us really have a grip on time.
right now there are two wolves inside me but i feel like i could still eat like one half more wolf