Whoever is bringing me the 3 dozen donuts each morning, thank you. But could you just leave them on my desk and not in the break room?
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my daughter said “it’s cold, but it’s a beautiful day.” ppl w no bills are so positive.
Can’t believe a woman would grow a life inside of her for 9 months and then name it Ian.
Accidentally wore a red shirt and a khaki pants to Target yesterday &, long story short, I think I have been promoted to assistant manager.
At my age getting up early just means that I had to go pee and I couldn’t hold it anymore.
Q. Where did Capt. Hook buy his prosthesis?
A. At a secondhand store.
draw me like one of your sea-borne property stompers
the twelve days of christmas is completely unrealistic there is no way that you’re still accepting gifts from someone after four days of birds
My stages of drunk:
1) “Everybody, watch this!”
2) Prison
Me, when son comes for the weekend from college: I can’t wait to make a good dinner for him.
Me, when finding out his classes will be all online next quarter: Shit, now I have to cook more!
Day number 3 without coffee: Lost hearing in my left eye.
me: look, I’m just saying things have gotten really complicated, and I think we need to start over
box of plastic wrap:
Jokes on you, I still have a stockpile of toilet paper from the Mayan Calendar Apocalypse.
POLICE: POLICE! OPEN UP!
ME: My parents never loved me.
POLICE: NOT EMOTIONALLY! OPEN THE DOOR!
ME: That makes way more sense.
says those 3 little words that get any woman hot and bothered: “the ac’s broken”
I hate people who make grandma mistakes.
“Don’t you mean grammar mistakes?”
*Slaps green Jello out from her hand*
I know what I said.
Friend: Duuude it’s fuckin’ Friday ni…
Me: *already closing the lid to my hibernation pod*
I always sharpen my guest bed of nails before my mother-in-law comes to visit.
Friend: We could to Jurassic Park but there are pros and cons
Me: Like what?
Friend: They have dinosaurs. And you can die
Me: And what are the cons?
“With all due respect is the polite version of ‘listen here you little shit’”
My teen yelled at me for not waking her up for school. She’s in the shower & I’m wondering when she realizes it’s Sunday. This is beautiful.
*Logging into Reddit in a wig and fake mustache*
Gentlemen, I think we should really stick it to Wall Street by finding me a girlfriend
Prisons and psych wards in movies always make it seem like an indignity, but I think it’d be nice to receive food through a slot in my door.
mugger: gimme your wallet
me: me or her?
mugger: I don’t care
me: *looks at date* I mean I did pay for dinner
I just donated all my pants with buttons because I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life
I wonder how much time Han Solo spent just brushing Chewie’s fur and talking about their aspirations
I accidentally answered the phone with my last name and got promoted to homicide detective
Lust is not real love and Domino’s is not real pizza but both are fine when you’re drunk.
Friend: Actually I met my partner on Twitter!
Me: I’m so sorry. Here if you need to talk ❤️
Friend: …no? It’s a good thing?
Me: *hand on their shoulder* Sure it is buddy
Me: OMG I love this song
Radio: should I play it again
Me: okay
Radio: fifteen times
Me: wait
Radio: every hour
Me: no
Radio: for the next six months
RABBIT HUSBAND: You look even better after a full day of work. I don’t know how you do it, honey.
RABBIT WIFE: They test cosmetics on me.