[interview]
What is your greatest strength?
“Throwing my voice”
You’re hired!
“Ok great, thanks”
Wait I didn’t say- oh wow you’re good
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I got paprika once in 2002 to make deviled eggs and apparently I bought a lifetime supply.
These people on Hoarders knew a camera crew was coming. You’d think they’d tidy up a bit.
Do you really think cats would have anything to do with us if they could open cans of cat food by themselves?
I don’t need a boyfriend so much as I need someone to remind me I’m baking cookies when I wander off to start something else
[steps on scale]
Me *shrugs*: New year, more me
Yesterday the vet asked if our cat was sleeping too much and I wondered if they knew she was, in fact, a cat.
I am cool with January lasting forever because rent is due February 1
Not allowed to stay up past 10:30 or I start Googling things like “how to start donkey sanctuary”
In 3rd grade I cheated off my friend Rena’s test because I didn’t know where Washington DC was. Turns out she didn’t know where it was either.
I’m at the age I need all the beauty sleep I can get. So naturally I’m not able to sleep.
How long do I have to sleep before I’m legally a bear?
Dipping your cats in blue paint and watching them chase each other is 1000x more entertaining than Avatar.
I just killed two birds with one stone and my next door neighbor looks horrified.
[girlfriend sleeping over for the first time]
HER: This is nice.
ME: You need to move to the couch. My dog sleeps on that side.
I said something about my Twitter friends to my husband yesterday and he asked me where they live (I don’t know), what they do for a living (I don’t know), if I know their last names (I do not), can I see a picture (sure!), those are cartoons, what do they really look like? (uhh)
Me *starts peeling potatoes*
My kid: are the fries ready yet?
“Is that a car alarm going off? Someone must be trying to steal it I better call the police!”
– literally no one ever
still burning off that Cinnabon i ate in 1997
Being a mom means saying things that shouldn’t be threatening in a very threatening manner. Like, “EAT YOUR CEREAL!” for example.
“WHAT ARE WE TO TELL THE CHILDREN ABOUT GAYS MARRYING?”
Dunno. I’ll ask my 5-year-old, who just married her stuffed bear to a stuffed pony.
“Having oatmeal for breakfast so I can get paid to poop at work.”
– Capitalism baby
Nothing says “I enjoyed the taste of paste, fingerpaint, and crayons in first grade” more than a potato chip bag opened from the bottom.
Nothing creates permanent frown lines quite like receiving anti-aging skin products as a birthday gift
If you think today’s generation spend too much time playing video games, you should see how much time my generation spent just waiting for the games to load.
I want you to rub my belly but I’m going to roll over juuust out of reach
– my dog begging
Bad news.
Jim Morrison is dead.
I’m giving up alcohol for a month.
Wait sorry, that didn’t come out right :
I’m giving up. Alcohol for a month.
If a girl has magnetic personality and still She can’t attract the desired boy.
Then that means the boy has iron deficiency.
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
Put some whiskey in my coffee because it’s Ireland somewhere.