[reverse psychology]
me: tell me about your childhood
therapist: *crying* where do I begin?
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What do you mean 100 іsn’t a perfect credіt score
“Woah woah hey woah”
[me attempting to breakup a fight]
I could totally be a squirrel matador. Possibly.
*brings only yellow Starbursts for the office candy jar*
[The inventor of the hot air balloon]
You know what we need under this hot blazing fire, a wicker basket
Her: “My baby paints with her food because she’s artistic.”
Me: “That or your baby paints with her food because she’s a goddamn baby.”
Why doesn’t my new white noise, sound machine have a setting for “biology teacher rambling on about photosynthesis” in an overly warm classroom on a Thursday afternoon?
I’d pay extra for that one.
Stairway to heaven vs highway to hell, sounds to me like being bad scores you wheels in the afterlife
Stop correcting my vodkabulary
[watching the news]
God: oh my me, this show is awful who wrote this
angel: you did sir
NO city was built in a day. Get over yourself, Rome.
me wanting to be loved vs. the mortifying ordeal of being known
An entire cheerleader civilization was wiped out in the eruption at Pompompeii.
my Face ID only recognizes me if I have a cookie in my mouth
Drafting a lengthy preamble to a meeting I’m running helps to set the tone, provide context, and guarantee that I’m never asked to run a meeting again
Awesome parenting 😂
I was led to believe that in the future all health problems would be solved by shrinking a ship and injecting it into the body so that a ragtag crew of loveable misfits could shoot lasers at diseases, but instead we just get told to eat less bread.
Work tip: Anytime someone leaves a room, ominously say, “And they never saw him again.”
Rejected titles for “The Queen’s Gambit” (2020):
– Knights, Knights Baby
– Pawn Hub
– Mate Expectations
– Checks Mix
– Stop Staring at My Chess!
Them: So what do you do?
Me: I don’t
i know a guy who loves saying “best thing since sliced bread” and i imagine hes always at a grocery store lookin at bread and just losing it
My kid handed me a tooth tonight and said “that’ll be $5” so I guess we’re done with the tooth fairy
I’m totally winning this weight watchers thing! I’ve eaten more points than everyone!!!
I hope I’m doing this right…
i may not be the smartest person in the room. i may not be the most interesting, or the most successful person in the room. but i’m definitely in the room
I hear my ex is now into cross dressing & looking for same. At least that’s what the Craigslist ad I just posted on his behalf says.
We need a marketing campaign to teach the Crayola people what “washable” means
I made the cats a very scary jack o’lantern with a vacuum cleaner on it.
billy joel: *nervously* w-we didn’t start the fire
smokey the bear: *lowers gun* ok good
I can’t do this. I think I’m dying. Why does your face look like a donut?
~ me 30 minutes into dieting
First zoom call: wears business casual, styles hair, places orchid in view of camera
Latest zoom call: Holding a beer at 9am, wearing Biore strip, blood on shirt, do not know whose