*plays imperial death march on the kazoo*
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Got fired from the petting zoo for giving the rabbits birth control.
I cannot stop laughing. Bungalow.
vampire waiter: would you like to order?
customer: I’ll have a steak
vampire waiter: [sweating nervously] what…wuddya need a stake for?
I gotta say, I’ve never been in an Uber with red and blue lights!
Also, I don’t remember calling for one…
5yo: That will be 5 dollars.
Me *handing her play money*
All I have is this 50.Hey! Where’s my change?
5yo: Sorry. I all I have is this 50.
I like to make things awkward at family gatherings by walking up behind each person and whispering ‘I know what you did last Christmas’
Me: *buying 50lb bag of chicken food*
Cashier: Do you have chickens?
I experienced a potato famine once; it was the longest night of my life.
Narrator: Ursula ran out of vodka.
oh cool you can play this toilet on hard mode
Me: there’s just no way you ONLY have air conditioners
Lowes employee: *visibly uncomfortable*
Me: here’s the thing Curp
Lowes employee: it’s Curt
Me: here’s the thing Curd. I’m gonna need you to show me where the air shampoos are
GOOD COP: He won’t talk except in sign language
BAD COP: I just cut off his left hand
BAD PUN COP: He still has the right to remain silent
“What’s it like having a two year old boy?”
*throws a toy car at his face*
Like that.
Terribly Tuesday.
I don’t even want to know why.
My son was awake early and I told him “Happy Easter.” He said he thought that was last week. In his defense though, I did bake a ham and give him a bag of Cadbury mini eggs last week… when I thought it was Easter.
ignore the news reports that say bees have learned how to use the internet. they are lies. bees sting us because they love us. bees are safe inside our warm homes. a bee did not write this
[High school reunion]
Classmate: I’ve been out building schools in Africa
Me: I got banned from the zoo for gluing sideburns onto a dolphin
Me [all day]: tired
Me [1 AM & can’t sleep]: why is a baby ocelot called a kitten & not an ocelittle?
I’m hoping the next currency fad will be allen wrenches. I’ll be a gazillionaire.
It’s amazing how a simple act of kindness can change my bad mood into a suspicious bad mood.
fish:
eagle: omg ur drowning I’ll save you
(more comics:
Her: You’ve changed.
Chameleon: Jesus, Karen, not this again.
Why the hell would I use turn signals? I know where we’re going.
My husband and I have been spending a lot of time together. Now my boyfriend is pissed. It’s like I can’t win.
Me as a kid: I’m going out in the woods. I’ll be back in 8 hours
My parents: Cool
My kid now: I’m going to a public park with my friend. I’ll be back in an hour, and will have my phone with me
Me: I don’t know – that sounds dangerous.
Girl: I will literally **kill** you
Tall guy: that is adorable, ilysm my lil beansprout
Short king (unsheathing his samurai sword): so it’s come to this
Whenever my husband “puts something away” I’m always suspect. I mean, it’s not as if he really knows where anything goes.
Right about now, family members all over the country are realizing the Starbucks cards I gave them for Christmas are empty.
SPOILER ALERT: In the book “What to Expect When You’re Expecting,” it’s a baby. You’re expecting a baby.
Hey girls, you are not a “mommy” just because you own a dog. You have to have a kid to be a mommy. If you are a mommy, then I am a dragon.