@Just__J0: Whoever said 'carbs are not your friend' does not understand how friendship works.
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@Sarcasticsapien: Coworker: If you had to do it all over again, would you? Me: Yeah. Cw: You would? Why? Me: Because I know what the words "had to" means.
@TheAlexNevil: Parenting Hack: slide a little cash your kid's teacher's way, & all of his crafts projects will "mysteriously" disappear after being graded.
@ch000ch: [does jerk off motion for 2 hours] and that concludes the hearing impaired translation of the presidential debate. all of them. god bless
@BigBagOfScum: All my Facebook friends are starting to have kids. Better deactivate my acct. before they try to guilt me into liking pics of their aliens.