@Just__J0: Whoever said 'carbs are not your friend' does not understand how friendship works.
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@DadandBuried: Get married and have kids so you can spend your Saturday going apple picking instead of doing LITERALLY ANYTHING ELSE.
@ficklenuts: My daughter just started singing “I ate some brains down in Africa,” and now I kinda like her version better
@UncleDuke1969: "Make him press 1 again." "Good." "Now, 3 minutes of silence." "He still there?" "Give him 18 minutes of pan flute." - Call Center Training
@PhuckinCody: [i walk into the Popes room as he's napping] hey can i - stop screaming, ur gonna have a heart attack- can i borrow your hat for a snapchat?