Whoever said ‘carbs are not your friend’ does not understand how friendship works.
You Might Also Like
Colleague: want some popcorn? Keeps you young and beautiful like me
Me: Really? Looks to me you should’ve been eating a hell of a lot more
My husband is a dentist now! At least he acts like one asking me questions while I’m very obviously brushing my teeth.
People with infectious laughs make me want to be a better laugher.
if humidity has a million haters, i am one of them. if humidity has 100 haters l, i am one of them. if humidity has 10 haters, i am one of them. if humidity has 1 hater, i am that hater.
My son walked into the kitchen and said I bet you don’t know what 47 divided by by 4 is and when I told him 11 remainder 3 he said thanks and walked back to the room he was doing his homework in. It was a smooth transition. But now I understand the play and it won’t happen again.
*turns around in my chair and I’m stroking a whole glazed ham in my lap* I’ve been expecting you.
Today i convinced my brother for a full minute that the Beatles wrote “blackbird” about Batman
Dear bill collectors, if you want me to answer the phone, instead of “no caller ID” try something like “free shoes”
What idiot called it “learning to be patient” and not “gaining wait”?
[Entering a dark forest]
“Listen. That’s the banshee wailing. One of us may not make it home alive.”
“Keening.”
“What?”
“Banshees keen.”
“You go first.”
“Dammit.”
Finally, somewhere I can take my Croissant Bernard.
[guy running at me with a machete]
wonder what this fella wants
Bow Wow’s full name is actually Boward Woward
[spider party]
black widow: oh yeah looks like there are lots of edible bachelors here
teach a man to fish and fish will hate him forever.
People who say I’m hard to shop for obviously didn’t see how excited I just got finding an almond on the couch.
Nice try cereal but everyone knows that the real breakfast of champions is three chocolate glazed donuts.
*first day at gymnastics class*
Teacher: So you mentioned before you were really good at the bars? Let’s see it!
Me: Oh…um, sure? Hey man can I have 2 beers and round of shots for the table cheers bro.
Teacher: *under his breath* damn he’s good
what’s the proper waiting period after your spouse is kidnapped until you can resume watching your Netflix shows without it being a thing
Don’t be sad about being single on Valentine’s Day, think of all the ppl in relationships that don’t know they’re also single
I’ve written a musical called Fish.
It’s very similar to Cats… although Memory’s a lot shorter.
grateful there’s a whole airline for virgins . i do NOT want them on my flight
there’s no law that your resolutions need to be positive; you can resolve to become a lot worse
*sets the mood with candlelight, flowers and the pepto bismol jingle
I just paid off a credit card debt with a different credit card & now I get why people rob banks.
Officer – Do you know how fast you were going?
*Looks up from phone*
No idea
2/14/16 — The Day I Got Owned Online By 1-800-Flowers
I feel like a taco salad is the worst way to eat a taco, and yet, the best way to eat a salad.