Whoever said “find joy in the small things” clearly didn’t know my ex.
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[on first date]
Let me get that for you.
*holds door open*
“May I help you, sir?”
Yes, my lady would like your finest soft taco supreme…
My favorite part of going on vacation is cleaning the entire house first so that my best friend that’s watching my cats doesn’t see how much of a slob she already knows I am.
REASONS I’M NOT IN A BAND:
4. I don’t play any instruments
3. Band practice could affect my karate career
2. My karate rivals might hide inside our tour bus and sneak attack me as I relax
1. High risk of groupies falling in love with me and distracting me from my karate training
My biggest fears are:
-running out of chocolate
-running out of coffee
-running out of toilet paper
-running
CASHIER: have a nice day
ME: how
My kid microwaved a fork. My dog barked at an Amazon Prime box for 4 hours. Just waiting for the third verse of my country song.
Signed up to be a diplomat. Won’t need a vaccine cause I’ll have that sweet, sweet immunity
Me: If I had a superpower, what would it be?
6YO: Being nice. Not yelling.
Me: Really?
6YO: Oh, I thought it was like which ones did you need.
Me:*opens mouth*
Husband: Don’t. You’re the adult.
Life is like a box of chocolates: Eventually it will kill your dog.
I bet there is a Home Alone script where the parents purposely leave for the airport without any of the kids.
*growing up in a family of six kids*
Love you dad!
Dad:
Boss: Can I see you in my office?
Me *trying to suppress laugh as I put on my camo jacket* you can try
Trump’s rhetoric has become even more disturbing and incendiary. Today he claimed “Burger King fries are as good as McDonald’s fries.”
364 DAYS: Astrology’s silly and baseless and I’m not a conceited Leo at all
ON MY BIRTHDAY: It’s still baseless but please worship me today
My reaction to winning a billion dollars wouldn’t even come close to my 5 year old’s reaction when I told him that there’s no school today.
boss: somebody stole the office thesaurus
me: I perceive your concern however I am not cognizant of the perpetrator
2019: Crowd surfing
2020: Channel surfing
Just because I’m gay, doesn’t mean I don’t know how to please a woman.
You buy them a dress with pockets.
A homeless woman outside of Walmart winked at me this morning, long story short, it’s going to be an August wedding.
Quick question, how long do you have to drive around with a cracked windshield before it magically fixes itself? It’s been two weeks and I think I’m doing something wrong.
I’m at that age where the most pain-free method of putting on socks is to just throw them at my feet and hope for the best.
Me: Why the fake mustache and hat?
Wife: Your text.
M: Huh?
W: It said you wanted to try some “Burt stuff”.
M: Um, Honey-
W: Call me Bandit.
If anyone needs an ark, I Noah guy.
ME: [finding hidden compartment] OMG what the heck is this?
WIFE: The washing machine
*Husband buys me flowers*
Me: Aw sweet, but don’t waste money on things that are going to die.
Him: But you keep buying the cat food.
It’s hard to tweet and change the baby’s diaper at the same time.
I probably should have waited until I got to a red light.
My kid, describing the size of the raindrop that “hurt” his face
“So hell isn’t too bad,” I say from the podium. “I just keep teaching?”
“Actually…” said a demon
“Actually…” said another
“ACTUALLY…”
My dog when she hears popcorn popping
bank robber: *fires gun* everyone be cool this is a robbery
banker: *pops collar of leather jacket, takes long drag of cigarette*
bank robber: *points gun* not that cool