Whoever said imitation is the sincerest form of flattery hasn’t had a 7yo mimicking their every word for the last 10 minutes.
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I’m running out of lies to tell in confessional but it’s the only place I can sit in silence away from my kids.
Listen if vampires don’t age or whatever then why aren’t there any films about vampires set in a future where we all live in space??? Space Vampires?! Do I have to do everything around here
TRUE STORY: My wife and I cleaned the house last weekend and found that we both have children from previous marriages.
If you’re stupid and you know it close your mouth.
Tonight was supposed to be date night but instead I’m heading to the grocery store because my wife just texted me an eggplant emoji.
AHHHHHHHH HONEY COME QUICK THERE’S A RAT IN THE SHOwer oh uh never mind, it’s just my hair in the drain
me: no need to cut it, it’s just for me
pizza guy: u sure?
I never finish anything. I have a black belt in partial arts.
Welcome to marriage. He had a dream I made salmon pot roast and woke me up just to tell me how terrible it was.
I live with my husband, and my 14 y.o. son. I have learned that if I want to hide anything in our house all I need to do is put it behind something else and they’ll never find it.
If the United States ever collapses, the upside is that we can finally use the blue starry part of American flags to make wizard hats.
When I was a kid we didn’t have to come home until the street lights came on, and sometimes our parents shot them out on purpose.
Starve a cold. Feed a fever. Humiliate a rash. Flatter a migraine. Friendzone diarrhea. Date cramps. Bring anxiety home to meet the family.
Remember, Kids… If you can’t say anything nice, well, it’s probably hilarious and worth getting into trouble over anyway.
* Psychic Job Fair *
Interviewer: What is your greatest strength?
Me:
Interviewer: You’re hired
How come when people say “it’s been real” it’s fine, but when I say “this has been a fictitious event conjured up by my addled brain” all of the beings around me get awful quiet.
For a happy marriage, never closely watch them eat.
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
Y’all think a holey cow makes swiss cheese?
Villain: Does crimes.
Super Villain: Does crimes, uses self-aggrandizing adjectives.
Policeman: Name please
Iggy Pop: Iggy Pop
Policeman: Your FULL name
Iggy Pop: (Quietly) Ignatius Poppadom
THERAPIST: You need to find yourself
WALDO: ah crap
The interesting thing about stabbing somebody in the chest with a giant sharpened stick is it will kill them whether they’re a vampire or just a regular dude
your dad isn’t a dad yet until he stands in your living room for 15 minutes straight (instead of leaving) saying “this movie is so stupid” while you’re watching Mamma Mia
Answering all the ‘how r u’ DM’s with ‘I got my period’ is going surprising well
I “accidentally” made a double batch of cookie dough and then somehow ran out of room in the freezer so I was forced to bake it all at which point I discovered that I have no available Tupperware so I had to eat 50 cookies.
[to the realtor showing me a property on sesame street] wait is that a vampire
Marge is going for a more natural hairstyle
I love making pasta when I have a ton of dirty dishes in the sink. just dump that hot water in there when you’re done, and bam! you’ve got dinner and a set of totally clean dishes!
I dropped a bottle of ketchup on my foot yesterday…
it caused severe pain…
to… ma… toes…