Whoever said “Just showing up is half the battle” (a) didn’t understand battles and (b) probably died quickly after showing up.
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He said: We can’t go away on vacation and leave your mug in the sink. The kitchen isn’t clean if there are dishes in the sink.
~ a few weeks later ~
I said: You can’t go off to work and leave your hair in the sink. The bathroom isn’t clean if there are whiskers in the sink.
Axl Rose: Where do we go?
Me: Left
Axl: Where do we go now?
Me: Straight.
Axl: Oh, where do we go now?
Me: Damn it, Axl, let me drive!
Hell hath no fury like a toddler getting his nose wiped
I dont smoke, but still wanna take smoke breaks, so I go outside with everyone then just stand there with a lit birthday candle in my mouth.
My tiny pocket in my jeans is actually to put my annual salary
I prefer the term “quirky”, it sounds less diagnosable.
i hope my 2 grandmothers dont find out about each other
Looking good, Kim! #LNSM
If Zombies ever switch to eating souls, I’ll have the last laugh on everyone whoever made fun of me for being a Ginger
Someone stole my identity. And then sent it back with $100 and a note that said “So sorry man. Hope things work out.”
If whisky can damage your short term memory, just think what whisky can do.
ME: *tiptoes quietly out of the house alone at 3am* *drives 20 miles into the countryside* *goes into a cave and walks a mile through a series of tunnels* *enters a lead-lined room* *quietly opens a packet of crisps*
MY DOG: *ears prick up*
Oh, please don’t pay attention on that voodoo doll you’re going to find outside your door!
That was by mistake
My son just said “I’m sorry I can’t be cute right now, I’m hungry” and I’ve never understood him better.
Going back in time, y’all need anything?
“Enter passcode to use Touch ID” – then what is the point of you Touch ID that lives on my iPad? WHY ARE YOU SO SCARED?
If you are stressed and it’s making me stressed, then your desserts are also my desserts. That’s science. Now be quiet and hand me a spoon.
“Have you tried drinking more water?”
is the new
“Have you tried turning your computer off and turning it back on again?”
of health advice.
Took the road less travelled after telling the wife that we didn’t need to stop and ask for directions.
Husband: Should we hit the gym today?
Me: *drawing pumpkin eyes with a Sharpie on my stomach* What?
Parents who say they love their children unconditionally have obviously never had a kid choose tuba as their band instrument.
People who are complaining of shoveling driveways, haven’t you heard of moving?
when i am in a store i always seek out the dustiest corner and lay my eggs there
#GettingOldMeans if I drop a pen on the ground it stays on the ground. Bending down is a young man’s game.
Just settled a divorce over visitation of a parrot. Neither may teach it negative phrases about the other. I went to law school for this.
Why did Yogi Bear only have a collar and a tie, and not a full dress shirt?
*Patiently waits as you all Google pics of Yogi Bear*
boss asked me to get an accurate headcount and i said pretty sure everyone’s only got one my dude
I’m really happy being single
Unfortunately my husband doesn’t agree!
(When someone insults something you like.)
“Sources?? In triplicate! My honor demands nothing less!”
(When someone insults something you hate.)
“This RandomUser654788433 fellow certainly makes good points.”
Me: ‘Have you considered hydrotherapy?’
19: ‘What?’
Me: ‘Just take a shower, please.’