@Eightinchgoat: Whoever said "The best things in life are free" obviously knew a very unsuccessful coke dealer.
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@sofarrsogud: MOM: Any plans tonight? ME: Me and the guys heading out to find us some ladees *shoots finger guns HER: So Pokemon Go with Gary? M: Yessss
@meganamram: Years ago, scientists knew barely anything about space! It was probably because those scientists were babies
@Brampersandon_: [COPS] *into radio* We've got a drunk man in the park who thinks he's a lion tamer. "SIR! PUT THE WHIP DOWN & STEP AWAY FROM THE CAROUSEL!"
@djdarrellripley: Her: Wasn't it fun cutting down our own Christmas tree? Me: Yea, especially when that guy chased us out of his yard...