horrifying if literal: the electric slide
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Clicks “open”
Tries door
Clicks “open”
Tries door
Clicks “open”
Tries door
What the FU..
Wrong car
(I have a master’s degree)
me: omg why are you so obsessed with me
cop: because you ran over 4 people back there
My Ex told me once that more people would like me if I buttered them up, but in real people ran away when I step towards them with a butter knife.
if you didn’t want me to hide in your closet you shouldn’t have said you had the hiccups
Whenever I see a new couple on a date I walk up to their table, hold up my phone and tell the guy “You’re Wife Sarah says hello”.
I turn hot dog water into ice cubes for house guests I don’t like
Walmart keeps two elderly people on staff at all times: one to greet you, and one to walk slowly in front of you on the way out.
Where did I get my scarf? It’s a CVS receipt. You love it? Oh thank you very much.
It would be so creepy if instead of crying, babies were born laughing.
I drain the spaghetti in the colander and every single piece slides perfectly through the holes
[ark]
SHEM:It’s full
NOAH:Full?
SHEM:Ya the whales took up alot of space
NOAH:The w- {pinching bridge of nose} Go clean the elephant pen
You know what this new carpet needs? For me to open a tube of blue toothpaste, and jump up and down on it.
– My 4yo. Apparently.
I read that the smarter a woman is, the harder it is for her to find a man.
MENSA should be calling me any minute, apparently.
Watching two cows do naughty things to each other in a bush. They been reading the Farmer Sutra lol
Might see you guys in 15-25yrs. Weekend with my folks & it’s only a matter of time before I snap.
“I don’t have that many gray hairs. I’ll just pluck them out.”
aaaaand….now I’m bald.
[bed]
ME: [with one foot poking out of the covers] Monsters could get me
ME: [pulling foot under covers] I am now completely safe
Nice beard bro looks like you just ate a bunch of lollipops then made out with your cat
Me *pointing gun* give me all your money
Bank teller: um that’s a water pistol
Me *aiming at her mouth* I’ve filled it with La Croix
Bank teller: you want it in 20s or
bank robber: everyone on the ground and drop whatever is in your hands!!
me: [holding a $9 Starbucks coffee, a tear rolls down my cheek] no
*releases swarm of killer wasps*
– ATTACK!
*wasps fly off harmlessly in all directions*
– Hmm… time for plan bee
I like my women like I like my moon: hidden behind a dark mist and worshipped by wolves
Hotel pillows are the proof that God is angry with us.
Him: no one will steal your identity that way
Me [disposing of old underwear by cutting it into strips like a credit card over a trashcan]: you don’t know that
Exercise good judgement? I don’t think so, I don’t exercise anything.
No matter how bad your day is going, take comfort in the fact that it was my dog, not yours, that took a dump in Home Depot.
I love how Hasbro’s Ouija Board sets the bar at 8 years old for communing with the dead.
Me: I have this strange feeling that somebody in this house is possessed by an owl.
Wife: Who?
Me: 😮
“Your lifeguard résumé is just a pic of David Hasselhoff”
I feel it says all u need to know about me
“He’s drunk with a cheeseburger”
Yes