@Eightinchgoat: Whoever said "The best things in life are free" obviously knew a very unsuccessful coke dealer.
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@noog: "911 what's ur emergency" This guy's not breathing "Did u send him ur vibes?" Yes I been sending em "I'm sending some too" Okay he good now
@XplodingUnicorn: Went to a parade. For an hour, bored people on floats waved. For an hour, My 2-year-old waved back. It was the greatest day of her life.
@ForeverHairy: Me: Who wants to go out to dinner and scream and cry and make daddy wish he wore more condoms? Kids: WE DO! YAY!