Whoever said you cannot live off of wine and cheese alone did not try hard enough.
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I told my son that I hoped he was enjoying the bagel he was eating because I had to go to 5 stores to find cream cheese and he said, “Don’t you mean that you went to five stores because you kept forgetting to pick it up?”
So I guess he likes the taste of dry bagels.
My calendar says I have 18 meetings left this week. Time to go lick Maria in accounting; she’s coming down with flu.
“That’s one small step for man. That’s one open fridge for man. That’s one good sandwich for-”
“Neil! Stop.”
“I WALKED ON THE MOON, JANET”
my roommate is terrible at remembering lyrics and is currently in the shower singing “something something armadillo, something something armadillo, something something armadillo, armadillo suitcase, we didn’t start the fire-“
Cher: Do you believe in life after love?
Me: *checks dictionary*
No.
When someone says “We can still be friends” after a break up it’s like saying…”The dog died but can we still keep it?”
Kid: Mom, will you play with me?
Me: Sure.
Kid: Okay, pretend you’re dead.
Me: This was the role I was born to play. *lays down and remains motionless for hours*
*at reading of my will*
Executor: *opens envelope*
‘Ahem…’You selfish, bloodsucking little pricks…’’
Canada has crack?
[HONK HONK]
…one more honk and I’m gonna…
[HONK]
*gets out of my car*
*walks to the car behind me*
*feeds the driver’s goose some bread*
When your boss says “You need help”, he never means a hitman.
The bartender said I could have a free drink if I stopped saying “that’s what she said” so I said “challenge accepted” and she replied “let’s see how long you keep this up”…and then I paid for my next drink
If I was a princess I’d wanna be rapunzel so I could get locked in a tower and get my hair pulled.
I enjoy long woks to the Chinese place up the street.
Ostrich: OMG SOMEONE KILLED MY DAD
PLS HELP HE’S BEEN DECAPI- …wait911: *sigh* did he have –
Ostrich: he had his head in the sand again
Date nights are great to bond with your spouse over why the hell are the spoons in the fork rack
We should double tap 2020 to make sure it’s really dead
When people tell me I have the body of a 25 yr old, I’m unsure if it’s a compliment, or they finally unearthed the oil drums in my backyard.
Therapist: You need to stop doing weird things, going out might help
Me: I went to the park today
Therapist: There you go! I hope you got something from that
Me *opens coat* this duck
HER: If you could have any pet—
ME: Panda.
HER: Wow. Okay, what would you name—
ME: Pandrew.
14: (setting his alarm for 5am)
11: Why so early?
14: Because Mom is going to take a million first day of school pictures. And it’s going to take forever.
Me: That is correct.
Wife: I told you to baby proof the house!
Me: I did. That baby has no chance if it comes in here. The bear traps will make sure of that.
how are we gonna sell our car this year? how about a commercial where the car is driving around on roads. great work everyone time for lunch
Gentle reminder that you forgot to lock your door and I am in your living room
Sex so good the peeping Tom made sandwiches.
Comments like this are why we can’t have nice things
The Supreme Court was making history, holding arguments over the phone because of Covid-19, when all of a sudden there was the distinct sound of a toilet flushing.
I love a relaxing bath at the end of the work day but it makes the other people in the office uncomfortable.
I was gonna make a run for the border, but I remembered I’m in Canada so nah
5: Mommy, you’re a BOSSY YELLER who makes people CRY.
My mother, to 5: Yes. She’s always been that way.