Whoever says Paper beats Rock is an idiot. Next time I see someone say that I will throw a rock at them while they hold up a sheet of paper
You Might Also Like
Bad Cop: The proof is in the pudding.
Good Cop: Stop putting all our evidence in pudding. Why do you keep putting our evidence in pudding?
Wife: Did u load the dishw-
Me: [slowly turning into a dog]
Wife: you can’t just animorph your way out of every argu–aww who’s a good boy?!
I like to think Jesus rose after, like, 20 minutes, but then had to spend 3 days trying to move the rock from the cave.
Them: “when are you back?” You: “next week.” (Week passes) You: “I’m back, let’s hang.” Them: “how long are you here?”
No Teflon coated pan has ever been a match for my husband and his love of stirring with sharp utensils.
[Speed dating]
Me: Have you won any awards for playing the Quiet Game?
Him:…
Me: Next!
Dentist: No cavities, but looks like you’ve done some excessive grinding at night-
Me: *blushes* Well, my boyfriend is quite sex-
Dentist: Uh, of your teeth.
Just because I know that I can fit 150 snakes in my bathtub doesn’t mean I have a plan
So it’s not a good idea to shoot finger guns at a man that’s driving an armored truck. I know that now.
The best way to stay safe on the road is to drive like something other cars want to avoid.
TRAINER: you know what they say
ME: no pain! lo mein!
TRAINER: it’s “no gain”
ME: (eating Chinese food) i like this better
KIDNAPPER: get in the trunk
ME: but this tree is so tiny
#inspiration #foodforthought
SHOUT OUT TO ALL THE WEATHER REPORTERS RISKING LIFE & LIMB SO WE CAN ALL KNOW WHAT A 130MPH HURRICANE LOOKS LIKE IN THE DARK!
COP: someone’s been cutting everyone’s christmas lights but not yours
ME: i have no idea why a crustacean- i mean person would do that
[my pet lobster Susan slowly puts her big pincer behind her back]
Alcohol is the leading cause of me getting yelled at for being a pterodactyl on the coffee table.
Snow White: Someday my prince will come
Prince Charming: I swear this has never happened before
[at restaurant]
Gorgeous hostess: Happy Valentine’s Day! How many?
Me: Just one, thanks.
Wife (clears throat): Two.
Commercial for elbows:
A frustrated man steers his car with totally straight arms. “Why did I go with the cheap arms?!”
Narrator: “Elbows”
ketchup is a weird flavor to do for a chip. just empty a ketchup bottle on a regular chip like the rest of us, bozo!
At my funeral there will be cake so people aren’t disappointed like me at this cake-less funeral
I need a bathtub filled with chicken nuggets.
No time for questions.
Could I save more lives with telekinesis or with a family of friendly dinosaurs?
My daughter once summarized a 10 minute story in 4 hours.
saving face 👀
6: *Watching kids yoga on YouTube*
Video: Ok, let’s do the Downward Facing Dog.
12: Ew! Uh…..um…..*keeps side eyeing me*
Me: *Making direct eye contact with 12* It’s a yoga pose. What did YOU think it was??
12: I…uh…..*runs away*
The worst part of seeing my grandfather get run over while crossing the street is knowing that I have failed this driving exam
All I’m saying is nothing is more annoying than people who ask “Why do you let them annoy you?”
A couple of years ago, I convinced my son I don’t know how to clap. He’s been trying to teach me ever since. I’m hoping I can keep this going til I stand up and slow clap during his high school graduation