I tried a little tenderness and now I’m trying blunt force trauma.
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78, 68, 77, 69, 78, 68, 75, 65, 75, 67, 79, 60
My mom & me, changing the thermostat behind each other’s backs.
Texts should come with a decoder ring, because wtf do you mean by “hey…”
I’m Lactose Intolerant, which means I rarely find missing children.
Find out what flavor of ice cream your kids hate and learn to love it. You will thank me for this later you’re welcome
Those American Pickers guys drove all over the country looking for antiques when they could have just bought stuff new and then waited.
Me: I’m having unusual urges!
Doc: Perhaps we should take you off that medicine.
Me flipping his nose: I’m not taking any medicine you silly goose.
A bunch of bras is called a support group.
Thanks for following.
Dentist: “When was the last time you flossed?”
Me: “BRO, you were there.”
[Medusa plucking a tiny snake out of her chin]
The human race won’t go extinct when our blood turns into high fructose corn syrup
Our demise will come when hummingbirds figure it out
*at party*
Guy: Want to dance?
Me: I’m sorry but I cannot, in good conscience, leave this cheese ball unattended.
Asking for her hand in marriage means something entirely different if your name’s Frankenstein.
I’m a bit concerned about my delivery driver
That awkward moment when you try something on in a shop but you don’t know if you can get it off again.
I shouldn’t be laughing probably but that is hilarious
I don’t mean to sound racist, but why do all Chinese food takeout boxes look the same?
If my name was Dave I’d text my friends today saying “IT’S FRIDAVE! LET’S PARTY!”. They’d be sick of me by Tuesdave.
Whoever named the axolotl was awesome and probably high af
mobster: *choking me with garrote*
me: ok NOW I’m wearing a wire lol
I’m currently trying not to let wearing my new Grinch onesie become my entire personality. It is surprisingly difficult.
Looking back, I should have considered all the framed pics of serial killers she had as a red flag.
Jobs I’d be shit at:
-brain surgeon
-rocket scientist
-ventriloquist
-goat herder
-sober person thingy
Cop: Can I see some ID?
Me: No. But you can see this…
[Does that trick where you pretend to detach your thumb]Rookie cop: I didn’t sign up to fight no wizard sarge
everyone calm down they’re just doing a test run of the rapture
“Is that old Chinese food in the trash? There’s Q-tips in there too? AND a bag of my poop? This is gonna be so good!”
–dogs
Nurse: What is your pain level?
Me: 5
Nurse: What level is acceptable to you?
Me: Uhh 0, you psycho
If your therapist thinks your alien abduction stories make you sound delusional, just wait till they hear about your TC.
Can we all agree that “K” is not short for “OK,” it’s short for STFU?
*spits out mouthful of peacock feathers* I’m sorry, I thought these were for just anyone to eat. *gets escorted from zoo*