@T_Bonezzz: Whoever spelled the word Receipt was a friggin idiopt
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@GimpySunshine: ran out of deodorant this morning, so I spritzed on some windex. Now birds keep crashing into my armpits :(
@tpurvis06: Just watched a dog chase its tail for 10 min., thought "damn so easily entertained" then realized I watched a dog chase his tail for 10 min.
@timdonakowski: GF's friend didn't keep my Valentine's gift a secret. So I had to embroider a towel for her too. Because, well, snitches get stitches.
@Cali_Kid_Mike: "You clean up nicely", is just a polite way of saying, "You usually look like shit."