Whoever spelled the word Receipt was a friggin idiopt
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I’ve been through the desert on a horse with no name, and I’ve been through the desert on a horse named Dave, and honestly there’s no difference
If I accidentally put a live scorpion in my mouth and chewed on it, am I going to die? Don’t ask how that happened….but my tongue is numb.
When libraries troll their patrons.
Wanna stand off to the side of a golf gallery in a Teletubby costume
The more I learn about Myself the more atheist I become.
*walks into Babies R Us*
Hi I’d like to buy a baby.
“Sir we don’t-”
*I slide him a 100 dollar bill*
“This way please.”
I picked up three XL pizzas and the woman there gave me two napkins like I was going to eat them in my car, and I think I just met my soulmate.
My first act as governor? Switching the tornado sirens out with C&C Music Factory’s Everybody Dance Now.
Housing rates are so insane that it’s even hard to find an affordable place on Elm Street these days
Next week my wife and I are going to Chicago to celebrate our anniversary. If you are around, want to meet and catch up, please let me know so I can avoid you.
My wife and I will be sleeping.
BOSS: due to the virus we need everybody to work from home
ME: please, i have a family
My son just choked on food laughing, and I’m torn between being concerned and marvelling that one of my jokes almost literally killed someone.
Define “no more Twitter or I will leave you.”
Snakes full of cheese instead of poison would certainly improve the atmosphere at this church.
“Honey, don’t try to feed ice cream to the Christmas tree,” is a thing I literally just said.
Me (age 26): *parties like a rock star*
Me (age 46): *plots against the raccoon that keeps getting into my bird feeder*
My 5yo “cleaned” the house today… she started in the bathroom, with the toilet, and then proceeded to wipe down every inch of the house, including doorknobs, with the same towel.
If that’s not the best analogy for quarantine with kids, I don’t know what is.
I accidentally said HAIL SANTA instead of HAIL SATAN at satanic church today and now everyone is laughing at me and they took away my robes.
[on my deathbed] everyone’s in here, why are the lights on in the living room?
The “you can’t sit with us” kids don’t like it when you call them the “you can’t sit with us” kids.
“Apart from diet and exercise, anything else I should change, doctor?”
“Again, *wheeling me into surgery* the main thing is the bear fighting.”
Wife: I took a pregnancy test
Me: positive?
Wife: yes Graham, I’m sure I pissed on a stick
MOM SHE JUST KICKED ME AREN’T YOU GOING TO DO SOMETHING?
I recuse myself on the grounds that I am her mother
ARE YOU GOING TO SAY THAT FOR EVERY—
I recuse myself on the grounds that I am your mother
If mental stability was measured by the type of tweets we laughed at, straight jackets would be the new black.
If the world was serious about embracing renewable energy, someone would have already called me about harnessing the power from my 4 year old’s shouting
The best shot in the history of golf
It turns out that the Circle of Life doesn’t mean a donut, I’m so confused.
Having someone sing you to sleep is so comforting.
Until you realize you live alone.
cat 911: hello
cat: i need to report a murder
cat 911: kevin, is this you again
cat: yes
cat 911: what did we tell you kevin
cat: [long pause] that my food bowl being 1/3 empty is not a murder
*accidentally points showerhead in wrong direction*
OH NO! MY SHOWER TRISCUITS!