@omgthatspunny: Whoever stole my copy of Microsoft office is in big trouble. You have my Word.
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@AimeeHelene1: Can someone wake me up when this nightmare is over? *lies on floor, closes eyes tight* (in customer service line at Walmart)
@ozzyunc: "I want to get drunk in public." "Me too but on pancake batter." "If only there was a way to solve both problems." -The Origin of Eggnog
@lecalabara: Ok gas pump, enough! Credit or debit? Zip code? Reward Card? Car Wash? Receipt? What octane? It takes less buttons to launch a nuke!
@Donna_McCoy: Reduce stage fright with a little vodka before the show. Bring enough vodka for everyone, and you won't even have to perform.