Whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office is in big trouble. You have my Word.
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A man 20 years my junior just stepped right in front of me without saying excuse me. So I tripped him and he fell down the stairs. I asked him if he was okay because I have manners.
Love thy neighbor’s dog
The real reason Batman only comes out at night is because he’d get disastrous tanlines wearing that mask during the day.
Positives about working from home:
– There’s no commute.
– I can talk to the cat all day.Negatives about working from home:
– I don’t leave the house
– I’ve started talking to the cat.
I just listened to a guy try to pick up a girl buy using “I can climb ANY tree, I mean ANY tree” and I think dating may have changed a lot since I was in the game.
My mailman is scared of me because I’m always doing handstands on my porch when he comes by and I sometimes chase him around a little
Regular naps prevent old age, especially if you take them while driving…
1st day of hunting season:
*puts on camo*
*climbs up in tree stand*
*waits w/binoculars to see one hunter accidentally shoot another hunter*
Me: *stumbles in front of boss at work*
Boss: haha have a nice trip, see you in the fall
Me: *takes 8 month vacation*
Oops I deleted….
*stares lovingly at photo of wife and child*
*bravely runs into a burning house*
“It’s empty!” some yell
“That was a stock photo” others say
Be nice or I’ll put you in my novel and won’t change your name
It’s all about how much devastation you can leave in your wake.
-kids
Him “You run like a gazelle.”
Me “I’m graceful?”
Him “No. You’d be easy prey for a mountain lion.”
me: [sprinkling white ash on the ground in the shape of a pentagram]
build-a-bear employee: please don’t do that
My toddler just screamed GET OFF MY LAWN to her brother so it’s nice to know I’m not the only one becoming a totally different person right now
Toddlers be like, “excuse me madam that’s my emotional support Walmart receipt.
saw a post asking “would you rather wear a fedora every second for the rest of your life, or every beverage you drink for the rest of your life has 2 drops of pee in it” and i thought the answer was obviously pee until i said this out loud to another person and saw their face
It always starts out “you’re so funny” and ends with “oh dear… oh my god… wtf”
Update on Dad Watching Discovery Channel: he just muttered “you son of a bitch” to a Hippo who chased off the lesser-dominate Hippo he liked
you can tell the new mad max movie takes place in a lawless post apocalyptic hellscape because not one person used their blinker
Remember, don’t stoop to their level. If someone is murdering you, tell them their knife is cool and they’re good at stabbing. Be nice
“Children can be very cruel,” I reassure my 6 year-old. “But sometimes it seems like you aren’t even trying.”
Thin eyeliner today.
*left one goes fatter
*right one goes fatter
*left one goes fatter
*right one goes fatter
*covers entire face.
If you’re happy and you know it, clap your hands. There’s nothing more endearing than happy people applauding themselves.
9*picking his nose*
wife:Get your finger out of your nose!
me [alone in the bedroom] *takes finger out of nose* *whispers* How did she know?
Please don’t use the phrase, “make love,” unless you’re speaking about what you want to do to a cheeseburger.
If you have slept with someone who sounds like Darth Vader breathing, you understand why it’s so great to sleep alone.
The best thing about going to my Parents at the weekend is my Mum’s meatloaf.
She can’t do the voice but she looks just like him.