Whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office is in big trouble. You have my Word.
You Might Also Like
Life lesson: do not tile your kitchen floor the same colour as a Cheerio
i dont swirl my wine because im sophisticated i do it because i can barely stand
Coffee so hot you pretend not to notice it when you’re out with your wife.
(meeting the queen without knowing who she is)
Well, aren’t you a fancy little lady! Is today your birthday?
“I’m not like other American tourists.” I tell the waiter, who looks at us puzzled, so I sigh and repeat myself slower and louder.
Telling people to ban same sex marriage cuz of your religion is like telling the supermarket to stop selling junk food cuz you’re on a diet.
Forgot to mute myself on a Zoom call while my kids were home and my boss gave me three extra weeks of vacation.
me: how much for the cow bras?
salesperson: those are gloves
Me: My dog ran away two days ago
Dog pound: Does he have a tag?
Me [covers phone to ask wife]: Is the dog on Instagram?
[Job interview]
“What are your strengths?”
Me: I fall in love easily.
“Erm, okay… what are your weaknesses?”
Me: Those blue eyes of yours.
If he:
-Changes his entire look for you
-Travels 1,900 miles upstream to chase you
-Procreates and dies
-Replenishes an entire ecosystem with his carcassHe’s not your valentine, he’s a Chinook salmon
“Remember that man you met for 5 seconds when you were 2 months old? Let me catch you up on his medical history”
-my relatives
Nephew: Your Christmas hat is ugly. But that’s okay…
Me: Why is it okay that it’s ugly?
Nephew: It matches your face!
Me: 😳😳
Got paired with a classmate for a Criminal law Project, so I guess now we’re partners in crime.
Eye of the Tiger came on the radio and I got so excited the macaroni salad I was making is all over the walls and the cat has a black eye.
someone tried formatting these windows in a Word doc
Genie: *rubbing temples* you could have just asked for $300 in one wish
My mother wanted grandchildren, so I changed the ring on her phone to the ice cream truck song so she can attract one.
I want to be the kind of person who eats half a grapefruit for breakfast and runs every morning but I also want to be happy
Gets drunk.
Drunk: Oh I’m so gonna get you back.
STEP 1: Sign up for email newsletter
STEP 2: Receive email newsletter
STEP 3: Delete unread email newsletter for the rest of your life
I love when you stroke my ego.
My ego is inside my panties.
[creating pandas]
Angel: How about a cute looking bear thats shit at sex?
God: Make it black & white we’re running low on colours.
“We’ve been blessed with a second son, another prince”
“I hope he doesn’t grow to resent his older brother, Mufasa, who one day will be king”
“Let’s call him Scar”
My wife has close friends whose husbands are notably worse than me and I highly recommend this arrangement
Parenting is all about multitasking. Like trying to brush your teeth while you’re rock climbing.
There is nothing like a little tomato soup to soothe the soul, even if it’s cold, over ice, with a celery stalk and vodka.
therapy dog: tell me your problems, sugar
You should never go grocery shopping when you’re hungry and never go clothes shopping when you’re naked.
“Please bear with me” and “please bare with me” are two very different requests