Whoever the first person was to throw shit in to a fan must have had a lot of explaining to do afterwards.
You Might Also Like
My daughter just rolled over in her sleep, smiled and said ‘waffles’. She’s definitely mine
My unsolicited parenting advice? Clip your kids toe nails with your mouth closed. You’re welcome.
[restaurant]
WIFE: Sorry I snapped at you. I’m a little grumpy.
ME: It’s okay. You have your period, which means your hormones are-[one hour later]
DOCTOR: Mansplaining?
ME: *nods*
DOCTOR: Alright, It’s gonna sting a little when I pull the salad fork out.
me after creating anything: i want the whole world to see this
brain: even people who know you?
me: oh god no
I thought that raisin on the floor was a bug and then I thought that’s gross, someone brought raisins in my house.
frankly, people look at you different after you lick them.
I could join a gym, but I prefer to work out at home because I can use the treadmill cups for chips and salsa
7yo: Daddy, I love you too!
Me: Aw, I love you too!
7yo: No, I said “I love YouTube”
If I could choose my own superhero origin story I’d be bitten by a radioactive serotonin
If you love somebody, let them go. If they’re smart, they’ll keep going.
When I see how idiotic people can be, I get jealous of Darth Vader’s force choke ability in those exact moments.
I could’ve been a doctor. OK, so I don’t have the intelligence or the people skills, but I nailed the shitty handwriting.
Called my mom on FaceTime and had a heart to heart conversation with her magnified thumb
Dog [opening Christmas present]: I swear to god Jason if I get one more bone I will OH MY GOD A BONE IT’S A BONE HOW DID YOU KNOW THIS IS THE BEST PRESENT EVER I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU GOT ME A BONE I LOVE THIS I LOVE YOU
I won’t open the garage door because I’m afraid the cast and crew from “Hoarders” will be outside waiting.
[Michael Bay directing]
“WE NEED A HOTTER CHICK”
Teacher: This is your son’s 3rd grade play
“Oh right. I forgot. WE NEED BIGGER EXPLOSIONS”
When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?
This going into the office stuff blows. Like, I seriously have to wear clothes now.
Everyone on earth: I’m terrible with names.
Me: Hi guys!
Everyone on earth: Oh, hi darren!
What is the deal with airplane food?
Seriously, I’m trying to feed this thing and I don’t know what airplanes eat.
My husband is playing Super Mario Bros with our sons and one of them is having a MAJOR tantrum. Sadly, it’s my husband.
*record scratch*
Me: Yeah, that’s me. You’re probably wondering how I ended up in this situatio…
Crowd: Boooo! Damn this dj suuuuucks
This chloroform smells expensiv…
For several weeks my preschooler has begged to go to a farm to pick her own fruits and veggies. Last Sunday we planned a special day and made the hour drive to learn that what she really wanted was to wear overalls.
Any time my wife brings up home renovations I just mention installing a urinal and suddenly we’re not talking about home renovations any more
Lisa: morning David
Me: who said that?
Lisa [sighs]: sorry I didn’t text you back last night
Me: is that a ghost? Because Lisa is dead to me
Life is like a bear, play dead and it will leave you alone.
Not all crimes are bad. For example: If there was a crow sized hole in a bank vault & a crow decided to sneak into the vault to bring me a shiny coin, every day, for years… This would be good actually.
i hate “oomf” because i do not read it as “one of my followers” i read it as mario taking damage in mario 64
Having multiple kids is weird. You have one kid you could trust to be home alone for a whole weekend & you know they’d eat vegetables, lock the doors, & wash the dishes.
Then you have another kid who is not allowed to hold an umbrella.
And they’re almost the same age.