Whoever’s job it is to make sure
I eat before I drink is fired.
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Every motorcycle cop is a liquid terminator until proven otherwise.
Why is it cute when a baby falls asleep clutching a bottle and when I do it it’s “worrisome”?
If dogs have taught me anything, it’s that barking is a GREAT way to get rid of people you don’t want to speak to. Works for me EVERY TIME.
Everyone talks about selling excess solar to the electric company to pay for their solar panels, but nobody talks about selling excess flatulence to the gas company to pay for their Brussels Sprouts.
My husband and I talked about getting a divorce, but neither one of us wants the kids.
The older I get, the more I relate to those angry elderly people who go around biting others.
My 5 year old hasn’t said a word in the car after I convinced him that the volume control on our stereo ejects his car seat.
Doctor’s orders say 30 crunches a day….That’s an awful lot of chocolate to eat but I guess I can give it a shot
Why are charming men called lady killers and not Lassassins?
My dad was a failed magician & I have two half-sisters.
I relate to #PizzaRat because if I found a slice of pizza as big as a car you can bet I’d try my best to take that thing home.
Wife *rubbing her belly* we’ve got a date for our ultrasound
Me: omg
Wife: are we gonna find out what it is?
Me *googling what is ultrasound* way ahead of you
Either you stay with a comedian, or you leave long enough to become part of their routine
My kids found their Kit Kats and then accused me of hiding them. Like WTF, how shameful are these kids to go into my closet?
Cop: Sir…
I know, I know. Why is my dog dri-
Cop: WHY IS YOUR DOG DRIVING
I threw the ball too far during fetch
Cop: Fair enough
It breaks my heart to know that I live in a country where some of its citizens actually can’t believe that isn’t butter.
[waking up on sunday morning]
me: ugh, I can’t believe what I did last night
*looks around to see piles of perfectly folded laundry*
I just found my new favorite conspiracy theory …
2-year-old: Dad?
Me: What?
2: Are chickens real?
Me:
2:
Me: No one knows.
HR: Can you explain the recent unemployment in your resume?
Me: Yes, that was a period of time when I was not working. But guess what?
HR: What?
Me: You can fix that right here, right now
Funniest joke I heard today: The reason Zimbabwe isn’t ready for its own currency is they don’t have a dead president to put on the money 馃槀
Is there any way to tell a woman she has nice skin without her thinking you want to turn her into a jacket, especially one who really would make a nice jacket?
Why is it when someone asks if you’ve lost weight you immediately feel like eating a dozen donuts to celebrate.
Hell hath no fury like a small child being told there鈥檚 only fruit for dessert.
Why do they have to make things childproof when I鈥檓 still functioning at a kindergarten level of dexterity
Insomniacs who are not afraid of the dark have nighty-night problems but the pitch ain’t one.
Authors, for the love of all things, let your protagonists sleep sometimes.
I wish I had remembered this was a rectal thermometer before I’d put it in my mouth for 3 minutes.
*Hello this is your pilot speaking, we still have about 9 hours in the air so let me entertain you folks reading you some of my tweets*
Any ghost sophisticated enough to haunt a hotel is going to find the 13th floor whether you have an elevator button for it or not.