Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
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Me: *breaks the neck of my enemy to save ammo
Everyone else at laser tag: 😳
My grandparents worked hard to make sure their kids had everything and I’m working hard and not having kids to make sure I keep everything.
[kid watching an episode of The Flintstones for the first time]
“They made a show based on vitamins? This is dumb.”
The best part about Whole Foods is if you ask for a bag the cashier will look at you like you drowned a baby giraffe with your bare hands
Prank your dog by loosening his collar a bit everyday and googling “shrinking dog syndrome” while he’s on your lap
DATE: I think nervous boys are cute.
ME: *responding with confidence for the first time in my life* Excellent!
DATE: This date is over.
likes 853 pics in your media, don’t make this awkward boo.
I like how Band-Aids come in 2 varieties: Stays on For a Second Before Falling Off or Needs WD-40 For Removal From Skin.
Facetious. Because I like to use all vowels, in order.
I’ll see the eclipse when it’s out of theaters and on cable in 3 months.
[boarding plane with really old pilot]
“think his heart will hold out? lol”
attendent: excuse me, sir?
“depart out, what time do we leave?”
(watching The Exorcist) She gets to miss so much school
“Get the Reese’s” I whisper to my kid as he trick-or-treats, knowing full well my wife just quietly told him to go for the Twix.
Good news. My neighbor found that last box of fireworks.
When someone reads your message, then never responds, it’s just hurtful.
I mean, what else could they possibly have going on at 3 AM?
Ironically, it’s my humility that makes me so much better than everyone else.
5 [falls down playing in creek]: ow my leg! Dad I need a Band-Aid!
Me: You’re not bleeding, Band-Aids are for when we bleed
5: I neeeeeeed one!
Me [sighing and preparing for placating, goes to put Band-Aid on leg]
5: not there! On my arm!
Good news! I got the new restraining order today. So if anyone needs a stalker I’m available. I have mad stalking skills plus references.
The writing is on the wall, or on my teen’s arm because I needed to write down a number and couldn’t find a piece of paper.
“I made myself feel better about my husband being a giant, irresponsible, adult child by imagining what it would be like if he were dead” is a weird flex but ok.
[Courtroom]
Judge: One more word & I’ll hold you in contempt!
Me: Yes! *jumps on his lap & throws arms around him* This is nice.
Guess I’ve had too much caffeine…I thought this lady was a muppet.
don’t go chasing waterfalls? the place where many video games hide easter eggs and other rare items??
motivation
Waiter: I see that your glass is empty, would you like another one?
Me: Why would I want two empty glasses?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
[In England]
Hey, you look like you could lose a few pounds
*steals your wallet*
Why is it always cooking on Saturday Kitchen? Why don’t they mop the floor or stick a wash on, or something?
Doctor: Open your mouth (inserts tongue depressor)
Me: Mmm, this tastes good.
Dr: You should have tasted it when the Popcicle was on it!
would’ve started saving money in kindergarten if I knew life was gone be like this
so ur trying to tell me a buffalo chicken made this dip