If you hate Capitalism so much, then just write everything in lower case. Problem solved.
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Not to brag, but I finished an entire book in one sitting. I’m going to need some new crayons.
3: mommy! Come look, I made a water fall
Me: oh dear god
My apologies in advance as I present to you: Matilda Swinton
Rhythmic banging against the wall, his hands grasping the sheets. Unable to get what he needs, he gets out of bed to turn off the Roomba.
Hey guys, can so cleanse your timeline with a doggy trying to secretly steal its chewy from its sibling?
Thank you.
Credit: Imgur/bonjouretatsunis1776
incredible text to wake up to
Ladies, if he:
– doesn’t introduce you to his parents
– never calls you back
– has four feet
– smells like potato chips
– could easily be mistaken for a loaf of breadthat’s my pug, you’re dating my pug
Scientist: what do u know about atoms
Me: very little
How come NASA sending their black hole to everyone is “Breaking News,” but me sending mine is an “HR violation?”
Whenever I go to Subway, when they ask if I would like my sandwich toasted, I say yes & then I raise my cup of Coke & say, “To my sandwich!”
No one loses an argument when they’re carrying a chain saw.
As Oscar Wilde once said, there’s only one thing worse than being talked about, and that’s being roped in to help a friend move house.
I hate it when I forget to cut the tags off my sandwich and everyone’s like “New sandwich?”
don’t let your artist friends wander off by themselves. you never know what they’ll agree to
Asked mom what she wanted for Christmas this year and she said “I don’t want any gifts, I just want to know my kids are happy” well that’s a pretty big ask, Christy. Can I just get you the vacuum and call it even
Robber: Give me your valuables
Me: *hands him piece of paper*
Robber: What’s this?
Me: My Netflix password.
I once told a guy that I was really into physics so he surprised me with a copy of Stephen Hawking’s A Brief History of Time and that was the exact moment I remembered the word I was looking for was psychics.
My whole life is like when you’re talking to someone and your gum falls out of your mouth.
Check your privilege
The Police asked me to make a statement so I stripped naked and ran around the precinct shouting, “Save the whales!”
[Job interview]
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Who closes the door when the bus driver gets off the bus?
Interviewer: Holy shit
I had a friend named Nigel but after you’ve introduced him a few times the novelty wears off.
I told my mum at dinner that my daughter was talking in a made up language and my mum said all languages are made up and I dropped a potato
My husband wants to make cauliflower crust pizza so now I have to run to the grocery store and find a new husband.
[death row]
Guard: Any last words?
Me: [smugly] photosynthesis.
Guard: …
Me: it sounded longer in my head.
If you need a smile today, here’s a wonderful outtake with Robin Williams and Elmo 😂❤️
[lights 2016 calendar on fire]
There. Now you can’t hurt anyone any longer.
[wind blows calendar onto my coat; I’m engulfed in flames]
Aliens only abduct the people that are already nuts so no one will believe them when they try and tell everyone
2032:: Scientists force bees and birds to mate, just for kicks.
2033: The Bumblehawks reign supreme.
ME: If you won a gold medal you’d wear it all the time too
FRIEND: Ok but that’s a parking ticket