Eye drops falling everywhere except my eyes is why I have trust issues.
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A burglar checking the hollowed out space in my Bible and finding a smaller Bible
I got tested this morning for Covid-19. Ouch. Those nasal swabs go deep. Jeez, buy a gal dinner first.
I heard time is money, so I quit my job. Now I have lots of time!
In space, no one can hear you scream. Because it’s space, and everyone is on the ground. What are you even doing up there?
[driving test]
INSTRUCTOR: first name?
ME: Mike
I: last?
M: Arbrokedown
I: Mike Arbrokedown?
M: no problem let’s use mine
I: *crumples test*
All I’m saying is adults don’t tiptoe nearly as much as Saturday morning cartoons led me to believe.
2:10 – perfect popcorn
2:13 – firefighters on scene
Boss: Stop putting fake teeth marks in the urinal cakes. You’re freaking out the customers.
Me: Fake?
Cop: how long will it take you to hack into the kidnapper’s computer?
Me: idk, two, three hours?
Cop: you have fifteen minutes
Me: then the kid’s gonna die dude
Cop:
Me: I mean you really should have called me sooner
“on your left u see fred in camo, on your right is bertha, she has ridden many miles on that electric cart.” If walmart had tour guides.
How to get me to like you:
Be pajamas.
getting my 4yo to sleep is just a simple 85 step process
For job interviews, your best bet is to dress as a pizza delivery person, march in and say “Who ordered DILIGENCE and ATTENTION TO DETAIL!?”
Friend: I have bad knees.
Me: What did they do? Was it crimes?!
I’m peacefully fishing when I notice a ham sandwich on the seat beside me. I pick it up and am dragged to the deep as a salmon reels me in.
the name “alvin and the chipmunks” implies that while simon and theodore are chipmunks, alvin himself is something else, something far more sinister
jury duty is so unserious. like uh oh it’s time for my government-mandated gossiping!
her: i’m breaking up with u
me: we can work this out Linda
her: it’s Lydia
Husband seen complaining about a plate that hadn’t been cleaned properly which he’d personally cleaned.
Saw a homeless guy at McDonald’s begging for money, told him I’d buy him something to eat. He said no thanks, getting money for Taco Bell.
[opening birthday cards]
me: [disappointed] there’s no money in any of these
walmart clerk: put those back
Werewolves, vampires, and zombies are always so hungry-desperate to bite people and turn them into companions.
Shout-out to witches for being cool about that shit.
You ever wonder what life would be like if you didn’t overthink everything? I think about it all the time
Apologizing for canceling a meeting is like saying sorry for buying me a beer.
No, I don’t need a Fitbit. I can count to 45 by myself.
Which one are you?
1. You have a healthy relationship to social media
2. You have seen every video on the entire internet
Relax TV weatherman with your sciencey explanation of today’s fog. It’s a cloud on the ground, just say it. Help me not hate you.
Air conditioning so extreme, you could grow penguins in the living room.
12 people have been to the moon and only 8 people have won Takeshis castle. Really makes you think.