Who’s the idiot that called it “The Wizard of Oz” and not “The Flair Witch Project”?
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*Guy is rushed in on a stretcher*
DR: what happened
EMT: we found him passed out & seizing during a shrek marathon
DR: WE’VE GOT AN OGREDOSE
There’s no subtle way of starting a game of dodgeball at a yoga class.
Saw my Elf on the Shelf walking out of the D.A.’s office and now I have to lawyer up.
My 11 yo noticed my receding hairline and thought it was hilarious. Until I explained how heredity works.
i just bought a used car and the owners left their “baby on board” sign in it. i don’t have any children so i just wrote “former” on it
Your password doesn’t remember you either. He moved on. He’s someone else’s password now.
Wife: you wanna play monopoly?
Me: sure if there’s one thing we need to do more of as a couple it’s recreational arguing
I went to a baby group yesterday where the babies had to ‘pick’ toy vegetables and the v enthusiastic group leader said ‘everyone grab an aubergine’ and I said ‘that’s how we got into this mess in the first place, amiright?’ and literally nobody laughed
I don’t know who named them safety pins, but I’ve been stabbed by them more than any other pin.
Yes, your mother loves you. Mothers are notoriously poor judges of character.
Me: if you’re a cop you have to tell me
Judge: way past that
Earth: Goodnight Moon
Moon: …
Earth: I said ‘Goodnight Moon’
Moon: …
Earth: Look, I don’t choose which days they celebrate
Moon: Whatever
Every photo I’m tagged in
Rob somebody at gunpoint today, show the world how serious you are at nicknaming your new friend Robert.
This tape doesn’t even taste like scotch.
If life gives you lemons just be thankful that life didn’t give you gonorrhea instead because making lemonade would be very painful
A lot of people get scared when they watch movies. Not me. I know the lion at the start is just a logo.
SPIDER-MAN: hold it right there, Chameleon
CHAMELEON: how’d u know it was me??
SM: ur disguised as Peter Parker
C: so?
SM: *starts sweating*
Arranged to pick something up on facebay. On way there they text to say they’d sold to someone else. Stalked their profile until they posted they were in search of something. Said I had it. When they turned up, I told them I’d just sold it someone else instead.
Using my new fishing technique I have taunted all the fish in the pond that if they weren’t stupid dumb cowards they would come on land and fight me. Now, we wait.
Me: so what’s your skincare routine like? your skin is practically glowing
Edward Cullen: it’s actually just this new diet i’ve been on
Everybody looks down on Pinterest until they need a good recipe for homemade organic edible panties.
[Police Line up]
Cop: Please point to the one who cut your arms off
Me:
[Dracula giving his son “the talk”]
Dracula: you see when two monsters love each other very much, they-
Dracula’s son: they do the mash
Dracula: *nodding* they do the monster mash
I just cleaned the house and took a picture so that in 15 minutes I can remember how nice it looked.
Prank: if you’re standing at a busy intersection light beside a guy staring at his phone take 2 steps forward & see if he walks into traffic
wife:Gotta go. You guys gonna be ok?
me [making my Pop-Tart pop out of the toaster and trying to catch it] Come on!
wife:9, you’re in charge
My hobbies include knitting and leaving one star reviews on recipes when I used different ingredients and different techniqes and it turned out gross.
Me *rings 911* help me I’m dying!
Oompa Loompa: oh I have a fun song I can sing