Who’s this “moderation” character people keep telling me to drink with?
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My therapist sure does pronounce “awesome” a lot like “narcissism”
Child: Can I have some help with my homework?
Me: Sure. Let’s see. [reading] If you have six apples and give one-[10 minutes later]
Me: FIVE. FFS THE ANSWER IS FIVE
my 8yo’s friend came over wearing a Guns-n-Roses t-shirt
me: cool shirt, one of my favorite bands when I was younger
him: yeah it’s my grandma’s favorite band
Reasons I put my kids to bed on time:
3) They need their rest.
2) Routine is important.
1) “Game of Thrones” is on.
I told my waiter the same thing i told my plastic surgeon. Give me chicken breasts.
A month ago I gave my number to this beautiful girl. She said “I will text you when I get home”. I think she’s homeless.
Underwear…
Because every present needs to be wrapped.
“Single use consumables are destroying the planet,” I yelled at her as I tossed another condom into the washing machine.
consequences, the bane of my existence
Mom, here’s a picture of my bf, he’s a musician
“That’s just the stock image that comes with the frame”
ur wrong, mom. Me and DJ 8×10 are in love
The neighborhood is having a meeting tonight about the creepy guy & I’m the only one not invited. Weird.
Sometimes I answer your rhetorical questions because I think you are that stupid.
Interviewer- Marlene, what inspired you to pursue a life of comedy?
Marlene- Well, I’m glad you asked…
*Mouth directly on mic*
YOUR FACE
Star Wars (1st draft)
Obi Wan: These aren’t the droids you’re looking for
Stormtrooper: Yes they are
OW: No they’re nooot
S: Uh YAH they are
*holds finger up and chews for like 8 minutes after aunt asks me how I’ve been*
My wife: “I really do not deserve you.”
Me: “Oh, that’s sweet!”
My wife: “Not a compliment.”
It’s a horror movie called Overalls in the Portapotty.
I have no idea what Steampunk is except that it must be healthier than Fried Punk.
The water drought in California is so bad, that someone broke into my cousins house and stole his waterbed.
everyone gangster til the tickle monster show up
It’s hard to believe in God when every time I go to Subway the person in front of me has NO IDEA HOW SUBWAY WORKS.
A 13 yr old just told me I was cool for an old person. I almost slapped her then she said “you’re like 23, right? I bought her ice cream.
recruiter: u should join the army
octopus: buddy I’m army enough as it is
Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles.
October is when everyone changes their handle and their avi and now I’m completely lost.
A one night stand where you make it clear you don’t want to see each other again should be called a Humpty Dumpty.
Laughter really is the best medicine. Unless you have STDs then talk to your doctor.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who asked for oatmeal and you have the audacity to give them oatmeal.
Are you supposed to wear the fanny pack over the gut or underneath it? I don’t want to look like a dork.
Me: *snarl* Sorry. Been dealing with a work deadline, a pandemic, full-time distant learning, & trying to make sure my kid’s sole understanding of current events isn’t constructed by random youtubers & internet memes
Person: So, does that mean you’re busy?
Me: *laughing*